I have three children ages 11, 9, and 4, and getting them bathed feels like the climatic ending to James Cameron’s Titanic. People are screaming, water is flooding the cabin, and although there’s probably enough room for me on that floating door, I’d almost rather just freeze to death in the ocean.
Was I too dramatic there? You know what, no. I wasn’t. And anyone else with wet socks after getting the kids in the tub completely understands the struggle.
So why exactly is bath time a shit show?
Here are a few thoughts, metaphors, observations, and exaggerations on the subject:
1. Imagine three wild cats dressed in adorable outfits, all of varying ages, wandering your house, and your job is to catch them all, by yourself, and get them in the tub, with all the screaming, and biting, and scratching. That’s it. That’s the metaphor. That’s what it’s like getting children into the bathtub.
2. Even though tweens bathe themselves behind a locked door, we’re not sure exactly what they do in there but sounds like someone dragging a large squeegee across glass.
3. You know your children are in the bath if their clothing is piled on the floor as though they evaporated in the living room.
4. A tea party in the bathtub is adorable… until someone pees in the water and tries to drink it, and it becomes your job to fight the cup from their hand like it’s the cursed goblet in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.
5. Poop doesn’t easily go down a tub drain. Enough said.
6. Some kids love taking baths, until you insist they use soap, and suddenly you’re a D-bag.
7. Showerheads or drains make one funny sound and suddenly ALL the children have nightmares for a week, and they are “too scared” to get clean.
8. Giving your children a bath is really just creating a reason to mop the bathroom floor.
9. Asking a child to close the shower curtain makes you the worst parent in the world. #TrueStory
10. Applying tear-free soap to a child’s face is a lot like splashing them with acid. At least, that’s what it sounds like.
11. Allowing a child to hold the shower sprayer might be the worst decision a parent can make, and this is coming from someone who proudly wore Jinco Jeans in the ’90s.
12. For people who complain about getting in the tub, kids are sure a-holes about getting out of it. Why are they like this?
13. We actually have a whiteboard that reads “# of days without a bath-related brawl” above our toilet. The count is perpetually zero.
14. There is something incredibly adorable about a wet naked toddler running around the house screaming and laughing. It always make me laugh… until they pee on the carpet.
Sure, there are more reasons bath time is a shit show. So many more reasons. But honestly, if you are dreading bath time, realize that you are not alone. In fact, you are very, very, far from alone. Hold strong, because this is one area of parenting where it never gets easier.