Things to do Before You Have That Baby

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

Before I popped my children out, I wish someone had told me to:

1. Enjoy sleep. Nap. It’s a luxury that becomes a necessity you never seem to have enough of. Buy nice sheets. Roll around in them. Spend a whole day in bed. The next time you do it, you’ll be comforting a feverish, puking child and that’s not nearly as enjoyable.

2. Appreciate your body now. As flawed as it may be, after children it will be worse. Droopier, stretched out and mushy. Even your feet will be bigger. Get a pedicure and flaunt them.

3. Drive a fun car. A convertible or a Beetle. Blast music that you love. Soon you’ll be driving a minivan and singling along to The Laurie Berkner Band. Even when you’re alone in the car.

4. Travel with your spouse. Family vacations are wonderful, but not the same. And finding someone to watch three kids under five? Impossible.

5. Eat out at really nice places. Indulge in a five course meal. Chew your food. Savor it. Soon you’ll be dining at chain restaurants scarfing down left over grilled cheese. If you’re lucky enough to get to a nice restaurant once you have kids, you’ll be paying the equivalent of an extra meal in babysitting fees. Linger.

6. Do things spur of the moment. Jet off somewhere at the last minute, with nothing but the clothes on your back. Have an impromptu adventure. Once you have kids you’ll need to plan everything.

7. Call in sick to work and use the day for yourself. Moms never get the day off, and you’ll make up for that sick day ten fold by caring for sick children when you are indeed yourself, sick.

8. Spend money on yourself. Invest in some really great forever items, because once you have kids the trade off will not seem worth it. You’ll calculate the number of diapers you could buy for the cost of those designer sunglasses. Buy them now and wear them later.

9. Pee with the door shut. It will be years before you get to do that again.

10. Under-appreciate your parents. Roll your eyes at them. Question their actions and judgment. Tell them they don’t know everything. Once you have kids you’ll have a new-found appreciation for them, and discover that they know a lot more than you gave them credit for. Ignorance is bliss.

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