It's (almost) my birthday and I'll annoy all I want to

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

My birthday is coming up tomorrow and as a present to myself, I will spend a whole day doing things that come naturally to me which drive my husband crazy. As his present to me, he isn’t allowed to complain or roll his eyes about any of them. On my list {which I, of course, reserve the right to add to at any time:}

• Leave all of my bathroom cabinets and dresser drawers wide open. And, leave at least 3 pairs of flip-flops scattered throughout the house.

• Call him on his office phone, and then his cell phone, and then his office phone again just to ask what he wants for dinner. Who cares that he’s hosting a meeting? This is important!

• Send messages with laundry lists of annoying tasks for him to do. Follow them with a smiley face and some x’s and o’s.

• Go out to dinner where I will blast the AC the entire drive to dry my wet hair because it curls so much better that way than when I use a diffuser. We may have to leave a half hour early or so just to have extra time in the car.

• Spend no less than 15 minutes at the restaurant hemming and hawing over different menu options. End up creating something entirely new up by combining three different selections.

• Treat the hostess stand like a buffet, stuffing my purse with dozens of toothpicks, matchboxes and mints. Why? Because they’re free!

• See a movie, first stopping at the inconveniently located Dollar Store to get snacks, rather than pay five times as much at the theatre.

• Spend the entire movie crunching my bag of Sour Patch Kids because unlike the theatre boxes, my Dollar Store version came in a crinkly bag.

• Go to Walmart at 11 PM to get the 20 or so items I’ve needed for the past month, ranging from a fan to nail files to sponges. Compare prices on each and every item to ensure the best deal. Produce coupons at checkout and pay with all of the coins that have been weighing my bag down for weeks.

• Sleep in Vaseline slathered feet wrapped in plastic wrap and wool socks. Does it actually make my feet feel as soft as a baby’s bottom? No, but it could.

• Toss and turn and hog all of the blanket and every last pillow all night long.

Sounds like a perfect day. To me, at least.

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