And the toilet snake was only the beginning
On Tuesday morning, a boy in Abilene, Texas, woke up, went to the bathroom, and called for his mom. As parents, this is usually our cue to don the Hazmat suit, grab the bleach, and brace ourselves for something terrible. Unfortunately for Cassie Mcfadden, what she needed that morning was a shovel. “A shovel?” you gasp, “Dear God!” But it’s not what you’re thinking.
It’s so much worse.
When young Isac Mcfadden went to relieve himself, he looked in the toilet and saw a snake. A big snake. A big alive snake. According to the story on CNN, Isac “quickly called his mom,” which, in all fairness, is what I would do, too. And I’m 40.
When Cassie saw the unholy creature emerging from her toilet, we imagine her first move was to wait for her organs to stop screaming and release her windpipe. Then, she had one of her other kids go get a shovel because apparently, mama was going to kill herself a snake that day. In an interview with local station Fox15, Cassie said, “I was just like, what do you do with this? What do you do with this? I don’t know!”
Cassie, honey, we feel for you. Parents are used to coming face to face with issues we never expected to encounter. We routinely find ourselves asking questions like, “How do I convince my child that licking the table at the food court is a bad idea?” “What do I do when my two-year-old asks the mailman if he has a penis?” And, “Why is kicking each other in the head a game my kids like to play together?” But “What do I do if my kid finds a snake in the toilet?” That’s new. And now we know the answer is, “kill it with a shovel.”
Thanks for taking one for team, Cassie.
Cassie’s husband, Jason, called a company called Big County Snake Removal to come get rid of the snake’s remains. They did, and everything was fine. Just kidding. They found 23 more snakes at the Mcfadden’s home. To be specific, there was a total of “24 Western diamondback rattlesnakes — 13 in the cellar, five adults and five babies underneath the house, and the one snake in the toilet, which had entered through a relief pipe.”
In a post about the removal on their Facebook page, Big County Snake Removal had a little bedtime story for our kids:
“How is this possible? It’s actually quite simple; rattlesnake are secretive and can be very cryptic- They rely heavily on their camouflage. This is simply how they survive. Just because you don’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t there….” That’s super.
But we have to ask, if they’re so secretive and into camouflage, then what the hell was dumb-dumb doing in a porcelain, white toilet? He must have been a rebellious idiot who served as a cautionary tale for the baby snakes in the cellar. “See, kids? Jerry didn’t want to follow society’s rules. Jerry didn’t want to ‘conform,’ he wanted to defy expectations and ‘find himself.’ So, Jerry went up the toilet. And now he’s getting murdered with a shovel. We stay under beds and inside boots, kids. Period.”
The Mcfadden boys had one key takeaway to share with other kids: “If you find a snake, always get an adult.”
As for my kids, they’re going to memorize the home and work numbers of our real estate agent.