Dad's Hysterical Story Reminds Us Birth Can Be A Terrifying Sh*t Show For Men

One man’s story of his wife giving birth has gone viral because it’s so damn funny

Swapping birth stories is a new mom rite of passage. Other moms will ask you about your birth at baby music class, on the playground — even while in line at the grocery store if the cashier is moving slowly. Like telling ghost stories around a campfire, it can be fun, if not a little bit scary, to hear about other peoples’ birthing experiences and share your own.

But sometimes it’s easy to forget that even though we’re the ones doing all the hard work, we’re not the only one there in the delivery room.

Brad Kearns, also known as DadMum, reminded us of that very thing. In a hysterical post on Facebook, he detailed the birth of his son Knox from his perspective as a father-to-be.

“I’ve always thought of myself as pretty cool under pressure,” he writes. “But the first time I got that call that my wife’s waters had broken, something changed. The excitement of almost being a dad went straight out the window because holy fuck, a tiny human was about to come out of my wife.” Kearns’ brutally honest post about how totally freaked out he was when his wife had a baby is one that many parents can relate to.

Kearns won major husband points by racing his wife to the hospital once her contractions hit, speed limit be damned. But once they got to the hospital he realized that not everyone was as freaked out about the idea of the baby coming as he was. “Parked as quick as I could, rang the shit out of the buzzer, threw her in a wheelchair and sprinted to the maternity ward like it was the fucking Olympics,” he writes. “This woman strolls over and opens the door for us. I’ve just put in a performance that would rival Usain Bolt over the 200m whilst pushing a wheelchair, and this old lady casually opens the door like it’s a book club meeting and I’m 20 minutes early.”

He also talks about how giving birth is far, far messier than you’d expect from what you learn in birthing class.”You really don’t know what love is until you’ve hosed your naked partner down with warm water in front of complete strangers. This shit was like something off the Discovery Channel. All bets were off. Dignity was out the window by this point.” Okay fine, that’s not what you’d want written in this year’s anniversary card. But high five for stepping up when your wife needs you.

Kearns is spot on when he talks about how all those birthing classes he took in preparation for the big day did nothing to prepare him when the time for labor and delivery actually arrived. “When your wife breaks your arm and demands an epidural with a demon-possessed voice, and it’s too late to administer… You’re fucked. I’m just going to put it out there and say that those classes didn’t teach me shit all,” he says. “We should have been watching the fucking Exorcism of Emily Rose. I would have at least known what to expect. I would have taken a vial of holy water just in case.”

In the end, his son Knox was born healthy. Kearns says the experience was both beautiful and amazing, but that he still thinks other dads-to-be-have plenty to be worried about. “If you know any men out there who are pretending not to be nervous. Tell them they should be very fucking nervous. Or send them my way. I’m a pro now.”