Bullshit Ways to Lose the Baby Weight in 10 Easy Steps

As soon as that baby comes flying out of your uterus, everybody and their Aunt Gertie is armed and ready with tips for helping you to lose the baby weight and get your pre-pregnancy body back. (The jury’s still out on where it ever went, but apparently it’s lost. And it’s your job to lure it home.)

And you know what’s awesome? These pieces of advice couldn’t be easier. Really. Especially not for a new mom whose whole life has just been flipped “supide down,” as my 4-year-old would say.

Wondering what to do? Well, just the following is all. Like I said: Couldn’t be easier.

1. Get moving. Oh my God, why hadn’t we ever thought of that? You mean all we have to do is move? Should we do that before or after the dreaded first post-partum poo? How many stitches is an acceptable number to pop? And we’re assuming this is instead of sleeping when the baby sleeps, right? It’s a good thing none of the post-delivery tips conflict with one another or anything. THAT WOULD JUST BE CONFUSING.

2. Don’t diet; just eat healthy foods. Yes. Because these two things are completely distinct from one another. Does nibbling on the toddler’s leftover chicken nuggets during the 6.4 seconds of free time we get to ourselves each day count? We’re pretty sure those are organic, aren’t they?

3. Breastfeed. Of course! That’s what those knockers are for. And all this time, we thought they were for nurturing the innocent souls we just grunted out of our vaganuses. How long do you estimate it will take our infants to suckle the cellulite out of our nips?

4. Start a weight lifting regimen. We’ve been waiting for the perfect time to put our fully-stocked home gyms to use. It’s finally arrived! Good thing, too. Our six-week-olds were just telling us how they can’t wait to sit quietly and entertain themselves while Mommy pumps some iron before hopping in her personal sauna to detoxify.

5. Drink eight glasses per day. Well, this one’s a breeze. Does it matter if it’s red or white? OH. You’re talking about water.

6. Take naps. Wait. We thought we were supposed to get moving, but OK. Naps, huh? Can we schedule these between grooming our sparkly unicorns and sitting down with the Keebler Elves? Or should we pencil them in right after that conference call with our fairy godmothers?

7. Stock up on superfoods. Assuming chicken nuggets don’t count as a superfood, should we expect the rest of our families to subsist on stinky fish, yogurt, and blueberries for the next six months as well? If not, I’m sure we can always create individual menus and embark on specialized grocery shopping trips for ourselves. We totally have the time for that.

8. Hire a dietician. We were thinking we should probably spend that money on diapers and clothes for the baby, but heck — putting our muffin tops on blast is a top priority as well. Plus, we’re pretty sure that dietician has way more advice to offer than simply exercising while napping and eating superfoods on our non-diets anyway.

9. Participate in regular weight loss meetings with other moms. We were just discussing how we have so much extra down time during the day that we should all get together and talk about fun stuff, like how our maternity jeans have somehow gotten tighter since we gave birth and how the whole family is so delighted that we banned carbohydrates from the home indefinitely. Our tentative meeting time is just after our relaxing afternoon naps, if you’re interested in joining.

10. Snack on foods high in fiber. Thank goodness. It just wouldn’t be fair if the babies were the only ones who got to crap their pants five times a day.

There you have it, ladies. Losing the baby weight and getting your pre-pregnancy body back is simple. In fact, I can’t think of anything easier. Besides splitting atoms with your mind powers, of course.

Related post: I’m in no Rush to Lose the Baby Weight, Thank You Very Much