28 Reasons I Can't Wait To Put You To Bed Tonight

Precious little angel,

I know you’re going through the terrible twos and all. It’s going great. Eye-twitchingly fantastic, I’d say. But today, like most, you’ve been incredibly busy stretching my patience to dangerously thin levels. Busy doing things like:

1. Body slamming one of the cats (the one that doesn’t like to be touched).

2. Carrying the other cat upside down (the one that used to like to be touched).

3. Watching only the first 15 minutes of any given movie.

4. Spitting in my face while attempting to give me an “air raspberry,” or just spitting in my face while trying to spit in my face.

5. Brushing my hair with the cat pooper scooper.

6. Throwing your whole bowl of Cheerios on the floor while screaming, “Eat, my kitties, eat!”

7. Digging through the trash to find, what I can only assume is, mystical trash-treasure.

8. Screaming because you can see the sun, and it’s clearly too bright, even though you refuse to look away.

9. Screaming because the sun “went gone.” As in, it’s hidden behind a tree, and now you’re mad that it’s not in your eyes.

10. Unbuckling from your car seat in a moving vehicle.

11. Crying because I gave you a dollop ketchup, as requested by you, on your plate.

12. Attempting to flush four of your favorite cars down the toilet…

13. Crying because you succeeded.

14. Telling me to got to sleep, then not letting me.

15. Typing up an incredibly important work email for me. Of course, this is after I made the mistake of leaving my laptop open while I attempted to save one of our cats from toddler hell.

16. Asking me if I’m done repeatedly from outside of the bathroom door for three solid minutes—which you usually follow up by asking if I need any help. I’ve been potty trained for a while, but thanks for the gesture.

17. Eating dirt off of my shoes.

18. Emptying the contents of the fridge, usually the breakable kind (like eggs).

19. Shouting “stinky poop” as you rip off your diaper while running through the house (which by the way, was indeed full of stinky poop).

20. Attempting to climb the curtains.

21. Dumping out the entire contents of my dresser.

22. Licking doorknobs, in houses other than our own.

23. Eating just cheese from your bowl of macaroni and cheese. Followed by tossing the rejected mac on the floor.

24. Asking for water every two minutes, then crying when you get it…

25. Because you really wanted juice instead.

26. Leaving Cheetos prints on our flat screen.

27. Screaming again when I tell you I can’t buy you a dragon because I’m not sure where the nearest dragon shelter is located.

28. Asking for kisses, then slapping my face because “that’s gross.”

I love you. But seriously, when 7:30 hits, you better be on your hiding game if you want to stay free.

Sincerely,

Your exhausted mother who is on the brink of a breakdown