Cat Cuddling Is A Job That Pays Money And Miracles Are Real

They’re hiring cat cuddlers in Ireland and this is why America isn’t great anymore

Just when you thought you were content with your life and the choices you’ve made, you find out that they are hiring cat cuddlers in Ireland and realize that everything you’ve done that has taken you away from being in Ireland and holding kittens has been a mistake. Sorry.

There is indeed an “is this real life” job posting for a cat cuddler on the website of the Just Cats Veterinary Clinic and Cattery in Dublin, Ireland. (“Cattery” is a real word, by the way, and one that sounds like it should be followed by “enthusiast” or “Plant Manager.”) It didn’t take long for the Internet to find out about this, of course, and every parent who has ever told their child that being a “cat cuddler” or “professional video game player” or “ice cream tester but only for the good ones” isn’t a real job is now struggling to find a new way to keep their kid in school.

In the Cat Cuddler job posting — and again, this a real job that someone will be paid actual money to do — Just Cats writes that the ideal candidate should have the following qualifications:

“[They] must have gentle hands capable of petting and stroking cats for long periods of time.”

Hand stamina. Check.

“They need to be softly spoke (sic) and capable of cat whispering to calm the nerves of some of our in patients.”

Cat whisperer. Also check.

“An ability to understand different types of purring is a distinct added advantage in helping you secure this position with us.”

Purr interpreter. Uncheck. There are different types of purrs? Apparently, yes. The Huffington Post’s article on the cat cuddler job pointed us to an article in Wired about the different reasons cats purr, which include being “hungry, injured, or frightened.” But now we know that, so now we can check that one off as well. Look out, Irish kitties, you’re in for some high-quality American cuddling (made in China).

The HuffPo spoke to Aoife Caulfield, one of the vets at the clinic, who told them that anyone who cannot pronounce her first name is immediately disqualified. (No, she didn’t. We made that up. But seriously: Oaf? Waif? Owfee? What is it?) No, what Caulfield told them about the position makes clear that this is an important job that the clinic takes seriously: “We are considering a veterinary intern, a nurse position or a nurse’s assistant and their title will be appropriate to their role…By helping the cat and the owner to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible when they come to visit, we give our patients the best chance of receiving high-quality health care and continuing to engage with us.”

She (dang, got that one wrong as well) also said that the job will pay between 20,000 euros and 25,000 euros (about $22,000 to $28,000). That’s not much, but no one said the life of a cat cuddler was going to be glamorous, kids. You rise before dawn, punch the clock, cuddle some cats, and go home to the wife and kids. It’s just like what your grandfather did every day for forty years at the factory, except that your factory is super fluffy.

Just Cats has, unsurprisingly, already received hundreds of applications from around the world, so good luck. May the best stroker win, and that’s what she said.