Harambe Cheeto sells for $100,000 on eBay
Sometimes you think you have an idea of what it’s like to be rich: beautiful houses, paid bills, nice vacations — these are all things you can understand. But then someone drops $100,000 on a Cheeto that looks like Harambe, and you realize you don’t know anything anymore.
This morning at 6:20 am, someone with a trust fund and a whole mess of cocaine beat out 131 other bidders for the right to spend $99,900 on a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto that was said to resemble Harambe.
The original listing read as follows:
“I opened up a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and as soon as I looked inside I came across this unique Cheetos that looks like Harambe the gorilla. This item is one of a kind! It measures up to about 1 1/2 inches in length.
This item up for bid is only for this unique Cheetos, bag not included. This makes a great collectible for anyone who appreciates rare items! Please Pay with PayPal.”
Let’s review the problems with this ad: first of all, who examines their Cheetos before eating them? Isn’t this a pop-the-bag-open-and-shove-a-handful-in-your-face situation? Who leisurely eats Cheetos? When you eat Cheetos you are in a rush to get somewhere but you’re hungry and had 50 cents. This person is suspicious of their chips, and that’s weird.
Second, the singular of Cheetos is Cheeto. You can’t have “a Cheetos” just like you can’t have “a sheeps.” Respect the language, man.
Third, I’m not sure I understand the need for measurements. It’s a Cheeto (sorry, Cheetos). The only reason you should need to include its size is if it’s twelve inches long and compensating for other failures.
Finally, I do appreciate that they made it clear that the bag wasn’t included because the last thing you want is to pay a hundred grand for a Cheeto expecting to get the original bag with it and then be disappointed.
Despite all the problems, you can see why some lunatic with a Paypal account bought this particular chip. The other Harambe chips available on eBay…because there are more…are nowhere near as impressive.
You can buy this piece of garbage for $5.99. This, my friends, is not Harambe. This is a gorilla who suffers from Mermaid Syndrome leaping for his life, trying to avoid hunters who are trying to capture the world’s only Mermaid Gorilla. And he will not succeed.
For $10.50 you can buy this off-brand (puke) fetus chip. According to the seller: “Obviously, since this is the great value version of Cheetos the Cheeto Harambe is not as crisp as the original Cheeto.” Cheap, stale, and not worth your time.
That’s a giraffe with a goiter. Next.
It’s very convenient that this gorilla’s face is obscured by glare so that potential buyers have to take the seller’s word for it that this Original Crunchy Cheeto is Harambe. The seller claims that the Cheeto “features a solemn stance and highly detailed facial features,” but none of the twelve photos included in the listing make this clear. Also, that looks more like the Fat Elvis of Harambes, and some of us would prefer to remember him in his prime.
So, I guess we can’t really blame the buyer of the $100,000 Harambe Cheeto. If you’ve got money to burn and you love Harambe, why not spend it on a Cheeto nope sorry I can’t that’s ridiculous go fund a school or donate to Planned Parenthood or something Jesus Christ what the hell is wrong with our country.
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