16 Clickbait Headlines That Perfectly Sum Up Motherhood

We can all agree that clickbait is the worst, right?

Except that it totally works on me. If you’ve only just arrived on these here internets, “clickbait” refers to those oh-so-tempting, tabloid-y headlines or quizzes that grab our attention and pique our interest, rarely delivering the amazing, life-changing content so cleverly hinted at.

Clickbait is the online equivalent of your GranGran’s candy dish — an eye-catching array of colorfully wrapped treats that upon consumption actually taste a lot like ass. I know this to be true, and yet I find myself going back for more ass candy. Wait, what? I mean, I myself would never stoop so low. Sure, I could write a piece like, “An Open Letter to Harambe the Gorilla From a Tiger Mom Wearing a Chewbacca Mask,” but that would be pandering and wrong — so wrong (unless I think it will go viral and then I will totally write that garbage all day long).

I’m kidding, of course. I hate clickbait. But, if we have to see it, shouldn’t there at least be some clickbait created just for us moms? The stuff about motherhood we really relate to? It may not be sensational, but if my typical week as a SAHM were a series of clickbait-y headlines, they might look something like this:

– WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM, MACKENZIE?! A Letter to My Neighbor’s Weird-Ass Kid

– Spice Up Your Marriage by Nagging in a French Accent

– 5 Most Popular Styles of Yoga Pants to Wear While Fighting a Working Mom

– 10 Quick Toddler Meals Your Dog Will Enjoy Eating Off the Floor

– Which Wine Pairs Well With Which Shape Sippy Cup?

– Our Pet Turtle Shelley’s Untimely Passing Was a Blessing, Not a Tragedy

– Stop Trying to Make Kombucha Happen

– Ming-Ming on Wonder Pets Needs a Goddamn Speech Pathologist (This Is Sewious!)

– 5 Non-Bitchy Ways to Get Your Tupperware Back From an Acquaintance

– Are You a Sanctimonious Twatwaffle? (A Quiz)

– 10 Genuine-Sounding Compliments You Can Give Your Friend’s Asshole Toddler

– Unpopular Opinion: Box Wine Is Not All That Great

– It Happened to Me: I Was Banned From a Trampoline Park for Bouncing Braless and “Scaring the Children”

– An Open Letter to the Skank at SoulCycle Who Is Flirting With My Husband Right Now

– I Served My Family Rotisserie Chicken for 8 Days Straight and What Happened Next Will Shock You!

– A Letter to My Perineum

Tell me you don’t want to read every one of these! I would click on that shit so fast. You would too.