Now The Clowns Are Chasing Us And Nothing Is OK Anymore

by Meredith Bland

Clown chases men in viral Facebook video

On Saturday, Chase Prior and his friend, Patrick Williams, went for a run in Newark, Ohio, one of the many places that have had a rash of clown sightings.

Yup, clown sightings are a thing now — in case you’ve been living in a terror-free world where clowns don’t exist.

They were talking about recent sightings in the area when they got to a suspension bridge and saw this (NSFW because of appropriate amount of swearing):

Let’s do the dance of Nope, shall we? It goes a little something like this: we hold hands, and then I run till I puke.

We recently wrote about clowns trying to lure kids into the woods in South Carolina. That was bad enough. But at least those motherfuckers were just hanging out, waving and promising candy; they weren’t running after people like ol’ boy in this video.

If there is ever a zombie outbreak, one of the first things you want to get a handle on is their speed — are these the shuffling zombies from Dawn of the Dead or those speedy fuckers from World War Z? When you’re dealing with one too many clowns (i.e. any clowns whatsoever in the vicinity), you figure that they’re mostly there scare you by making eye contact. What you don’t count on is them coming after you, clocking a good 8-minute mile like this one does in the video. And while carrying a knife? Oh, no, my friends. I started crying when he turned around and looked at them — seeing a video of him chasing them took me to a place of such fear that I might never not be soaked in my own pee again.

Sure, this video may be a fake. But you know what else it is? Scary. Dream-altering scary.

Enough, clowns. We get it. You’re terrifying. But do us a favor stay out of the woods at 7:30 in the morning, okay? And if you have to be there because it is your duty as the devil’s jesters, then at least stay in one spot. Also, knives are overkill when a giggle and a wave are enough to give most of us a heart attack.

We thank you in advance for your cooperation.