This Is The House Of Your Cat’s Dreams And Your Eternal Nightmares

by Meredith Bland
Originally Published: 
Image via Coldwell Banker

This house of all the cats can be yours

Do you enjoy cats? No, seriously…really enjoy cats? As in: “Cats are my very favorite. I like them more than people. We have long conversations about world events and our favorite places to sleep. My cat is dictating this answer to me.” Then congratulations, because your dream home has just gone up for sale in the Arizona desert.

A real estate listing posted by Coldwell Banker five days ago has gone viral, and once you get a look at some of the pictures from the inside, you’ll understand why. The property at 669 County Road 8235 Stanford Road — an address that is oddly complex and way too close to the devil’s number for our liking– is being offered for $240,000, which is a steal if you’re looking for the perfect place to die alone.

The listing is full of the usual real estate lingo, but we’ve gone ahead and decoded it for you:

“Contemporary (indoor plumbing) eccentric (crazy) full log sided custom home (definitely one of a kind) on 20+/- acres (so no one can hear the screaming) for the cat fancier! (Mr. Pickles is your only God) If you love cats (a lot) this is the home for you! If not bring your sandblaster! (Also matches, smudge sticks, and a priest.) Custom build, hardwood kitchen cabinets (Oak, Lacewood, and Bocote) (The Wood Database says, ‘It’s not uncommon to see many ‘eyes’ and other figuring in Bocote’, so that’s fun) artistically accented with river rock. Cat walkways and in great room Medieval cat castle with different levels (stone). (ALERT ALERT ALERT) All interior doors custom built (wood). Must see to believe it does exist!!! (For real) Once in a lifetime find extremely fun (the kind of fun you have when you’re trapped in a dark, windowless room and hear a stomach growl that isn’t yours) home!”

Let’s take a look!

Okay, needs a little work but it’s a nice little house. It’s got skylights, big picture windows…

…and this. I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot of cats. I do like the mass of toy cats attached to the railing on the left. It’s as if, in their terror, they got stuck clawing their way up the pole in a fevered attempt to escape. Adorable.

You do have to admire the variety of cat paraphernalia, here. But Christmas stockings? Listen, my cat has a stocking too, but I took it down in January. It’s June. That’s just tacky.

Please take a moment to admire the fact that those are high ceilings and there are cat things hanging from the very top. Do you think someone walked on those boards to reach them? I do. I am 99% certain that this was not a person who thought, “The reasonable thing to do here would be to get a ladder.”

Lots of storage. For more cats.

How about a relaxing soak in the oh jeez….

If a single one of those mugs isn’t a cat mug, I will feel betrayed. Also, notice that there are no plates, which is perfect for the soup-based diet that is typical of eccentrics.

Onto the garage. Plenty of room for your Stairmaster and your trampoline, which you can use to get high enough to put more cat posters on the ceiling.

And, your view…your peaceful, desolate, final view.

They’re accepting offers now, folks. Don’t let this one get away.

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