Columnist Mansplains How To Make Women Happier: 'Uninvent The Washing Machine And The Pill'

Breitbart columnist thinks doing away with birth control pills and washing machines will help women, everywhere

Feeling unsatisfied with the current state of your life, ladies? According to one conservative columnist, you can thank the washing machine and birth control for your misery. Because everyone knows that using your vagina as a clown car and endlessly hand-washing clothes forever and ever, infinity is the only way to achieve true happiness.

“In terms of female happiness, women’s liberation was probably a mistake, and it was a mistake driven by technology that was, of course, invented by men,” writes Breitbart columnist, Milo Yiannopoulos. “Let’s start with the device that forced women out of the home they so lovingly kept, wrenched their children from their arms and doomed them to perform unsatisfying tasks in the workforce in order to respond to new social norms: the washing machine.”

Yes, the washing machine ruined our lives. If only we didn’t have time to think about anything but keeping our husband’s underwear clean, maybe we’d be more fulfilled. No, this is not an Onion article. This man actually gets paid for his thoughts.

“Every study shows the same thing: as women become freer, richer, better educated and have more choices, they get progressively more miserable,” Milo claims. He doesn’t link out to any studies though, because they don’t exist.

“The role of the housewife has been thoroughly and ritually humiliated by successive waves of feminism — as if raising well-adjusted children, keeping a beautiful home and marrying a loving husband is worthy of derision and ridicule. In fact, it’s one of the most important things a woman can do with her life and may be one of the only things women can actually do better than men.”

Let’s read that again, shall we? Keeping a beautiful home is one of the most important things a woman can do with her life and may be one of the only things women can actually do better than men. Yup. Down with washing machines. They’ve truly derailed our lives. Oh, and birth control makes us fat — so that also needs to go, according to Milo.

“Birth control makes you fat, and as we all know being fat is disgusting and should never be allowed in a civilised society,” dipshit writes. “A 2009 study from the University of Texas found that women using DMPA gain an average of 11 pounds over three years, a 3-4 per cent increase. Ladies: are you really so desperate to get laid that you’d willingly fatten yourself up like a prize-winning sow?”

I know what you’re thinking: who gives a shit what this douchebag says? And you’re absolutely right. Only, this massive pile of steaming garbage was published on conservative news site, Breitbart, and if you’re not familiar with it, you may want to acquaint yourself a little. Because president-elect Donald Trump just appointed its ex-Executive Chairman, Stephen K. Bannon, as his chief strategist and senior counsel. Bannon ran the site from March 2012 to August 2016, when he left to join Trump’s campaign as chief executive officer.

Gizmodo published a round-up of just some of the headlines that ran under Stephen K. Bannon’s rule, and this washing machine one isn’t even the most ridiculous. Here are a few more:

There’s No Hiring Bias Against Women In Tech, They Just Suck At Interviews

The Solution To Online Harassment Is Simple: Women Should Log Off

Birth Control Makes Women Unattractive And Crazy

Birth Control Makes You A Slut

Birth Control Makes You Unsexy All The Time

Bannon was also charged with domestic violence in 1996, and his ex-wife claims he said, “He doesn’t like Jews and that he doesn’t like the way they raise their kids to be ‘whiny brats’ and that he didn’t want the girls to go to school with Jews.”

Racist? Check. Misogynist? Check? Part of Donald Trump’s transition team? Check.

Standing for this crap on the internet is one thing — but in The White House? Putting a man like this in a position in power consulting the POTUS?

Nope. Nope. NOPE.