Dad’s Retelling Of Literal Toddler Sh*t Storm Brings The Internet To Tears

by Valerie Williams
Originally Published: 
Image via Facebook

Dad encounters poop disaster when his toddler decides to explore in her diaper

Parenting is magical, but it’s not all puppy dogs and sunshine. In fact, for every magical moment, there are 10 more that are shit. Sometimes, literally.

One dad reminds us of those crappy days in what might be the funniest (and grossest) viral Facebook post ever.

Jesse Mab-Phea Hill told a legendary tale about what started off as a great parenting day and ended in what can only be described as parenting hell.

His partner Mayra is teaching her workout class, his son is at school, and his toddler daughter Alessandra is taking her nap. With the house to himself, Hill settles in to watch YouTube videos in his “man cave.”

After deciding it was time for some chocolate cake, Hill heads upstairs. And that’s when this goes from an average dad afternoon to a scene out of a horror film. He smells something awful and at first, assumes it was one of the dogs. He quickly discovers otherwise. “I see nothing….. And then my blood runs cold when I realize the stink is coming from the upper floor.”

He arrives at his daughter’s room where his worst suspicion is confirmed. “There she is, standing at the baby gate, butt naked, holding her diaper, covered head to toe in her own crap. I’m not talking a little poop here and there on her. I’m talking layered on globs of human fecal matter covering her arms, legs, face and HAIR. It’s bad. It’s worse then any other time she decided to explore in her diaper.”

His first thought was to close the door and pretend he didn’t see anything, but his partner had just celebrated Mother’s Day, and he didn’t want to “be a dick.”

He’s frozen in place trying to decide how to handle the situation and goes with a hands-off approach. “There is literally no good place to pick my daughter up to get her to the bath, so I just knock the baby gate over so she can walk out on her own terms. Instead of walking out of her room she smiles up at me and extends her arms for me to pick her up. I yell Hell No.”

Alessandra heads in the opposite direction of the bathroom, so Hill has to take action. “At this point I’m forced to pick her up because the bath wasn’t down stairs. I use 2 fingers on both hands to lift her by her armpits and I shuffle the 2 of us off to the bathroom.”

He plunks her in the tub and gets to work. “The whole time she’s in the tub she tries to touch me with her shit covered hands and I scream like a pre-pubescent girl and dodge her. After 20 minutes I pick all the crap out of her hair, bottom of her feet and everywhere in between.”

OK, we know we shouldn’t laugh, but we’re laughing.

And then, her room.

“Mind you I haven’t even looked in her room yet because when I first got to her room Alessandra was standing there like a shit covered bridge troll. I thought she had pooped in her diaper and got it on herself…… But it was so much worse.”

Oh so much worse.

Hill describes “a scene straight out of a German fetish dream.” Everything on one side of her room is covered in poop.

“It looked like a real category 5 shit storm blew thru her room. Hurricane Shitrina if you will.”

Hurricane Shitrina? We certainly hope he can laugh about this later, because this is comic gold.

This is when Hill decides to inform his partner of the situation and as she heads home, he contemplates setting the house on fire because, hello. They tackle the disaster, but it seems no amount of cleaning will ever be enough. “I won’t get into anymore graphic details but 2 rolls of paper towels, 5 stolen gym towels, 1 bottle of pinesol, 1 bottle of bleach, 1 big bag of crap covered toys and 2 1/2 hours later her room still smells like a dumpster fire.”

Hill says he shared his terrible tale as a public service of sorts. And to help himself keep perspective in the future. “Anyway, I write these trials and tribulations of mine to not only do my part to spread written contraception and to strike fear in the hearts of new parents but also to remind myself that no matter what I’m going thru, at least I’m not cleaning hot baby crap out of the gears of my daughter’s play set again.”

Cheers to that.

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