Dear Fat Girl

Dear Fat Girl,

I see you. You are trying not to be seen. You have on your old, baggy clothing and very little makeup. You don’t want to attract attention to yourself, even though you know that people are looking.

You feel trapped. You know who you used to be. You were a size 2, dressing so that everyone noticed your body and now, you are dressing so that people don’t notice your body. Nothing can hide it. It’s too big to hide.

You are sad. You want to be who you used to be, or at least what you used to look like to others. Your personality has changed because you just don’t want people to think what a shame it is that you have such a great personality and a beautiful face, when you are 100 pounds overweight.

You’d rather stay home. No one will judge you in your own house. You can wear whatever you want, even nothing and not have to worry about strangers eyes and thoughts about how you’ve let yourself go.

You are tired. You’ve never been this tired, both physically and emotionally. You want things to change, but you feel helpless, so you give into the idea that they never will.

You try. Maybe not your hardest, but you do try to lose weight. You eat better, you exercise, you seek a doctor’s help. Nothing works because you don’t give it enough time. If you don’t see results in a month or two, you claim defeat and go back to your old ways.

You are disgusted. You see yourself in the mirror and you do everything you can to hold back the tears. When did you stop caring about yourself and your appearance? When did you get THIS big?

You are uncomfortable. Nothing fits you properly, it’s either too tight or too baggy. You try to squeeze it all into the pants you wore last summer but you know that was 40 pounds ago. You don’t invest in new clothes because you don’t want to admit to anyone, especially yourself, that you’re this big and might possibly get bigger. You’ll buy new clothes after you lose the weight.

You can’t. You read other people’s stories about how you should embrace your body but the thought of that is ridiculous to you. You don’t want to embrace it, you want to rid yourself of it. You can’t imagine anyone feeling this good about something that makes you feel this badly.

You are full of excuses. There are a million reasons why you can’t. Something is always standing in your way. The universe doesn’t want you to feel or look better or you would have by now. It’s not your fault; it’s the fault of all of those things that are out of your control.

Your smile is a lie. You want people to think that you’re happy, but the truth is, all happiness is always overshadowed by your longing to feel good about yourself and your body.

You are broken. There is a part of you that longs to be just like those beautiful, toned girls and you think that until you look like them, you won’t feel whole again.

But Dear Fat Girl,

I see you. You are beautiful. You have a heart that is like no one else. You love and protect and do everything in your power to make sure your children have a good life. And they see you as the woman they want to be, strong, determined and a kick ass business woman. Yes, you’ve gained weight over the years, but you’ve also carried and gave birth to three incredible, beautiful and healthy daughters. Every stretch mark is a reminder of those three miracles.

You feel trapped. But guess what? There’s always a way out. That door never had a lock on it, you just need to find it and run through it. Run as fast as you can and never look back. You get to choose which path you take, so take the one that makes you happy.

You are sad. Guess what?! We all get sad sometimes. It’s okay. So be sad, cry your eyes out and then remember all of the things in your life that are worth smiling about. Enjoy those things. Be grateful for those things. Don’t ever take them for granted. They are the things that will get you past all of your sad moments.

You’d rather stay home. You have a beautiful home, in a beautiful neighborhood. A home you work your butt off for so that your family would be comfortable and your kids could go to a good school. There’s nothing wrong with staying home, as long as you take every opportunity to get out there and enjoy life. Take as many vacations as your time and budget allow. Go to every award ceremony that your kids are being honored in. Go get coffee with a friend, share secrets and laugh. And when the day is done, head back to your home, hug and kiss your family and enjoy a good nights rest because tomorrow, you’re going to do it all over again.

You are tired. You’re a mom. You are supposed to be tired. You are working your hardest so that your kids grow up remembering what an incredible childhood they had. You’ll rest when you retire and the kids are all grown up.

You try. You’ve never really given up. You’ve always had the desire and drive to get healthy and you’ll stop at nothing to achieve that goal. You just haven’t found the right way to do it. So don’t give up. Keep trying. You’ll be glad you did.

You are disgusted. What is it you’re looking at when you look in the mirror? Are you seeing what others see or are you seeing what you have allowed yourself to become? If you don’t like what you see, change it. Get your hair done. Put on a little more makeup. Buy a couple of pieces of clothing that make you feel beautiful and accentuate your shape.

You are uncomfortable. If you were sitting on a thumbtack, would you just sit there and allow it to poke you? No, you’d get up and move it. So get up. You’ve been sitting on that thumbtack long enough. Find the one area that bothers you the most and work on that. One area at a time. You’ll feel so much less overwhelmed and you’ll see a difference in your appearance and how you feel.

You can’t. You can. You choose not to. And if you don’t want to embrace this larger frame than embrace the changes that you’re making to get back to where you want to be. You can. You will.

You are full of excuses. You filled your own head with these excuses, so stop making them. It’s that simple. You didn’t eat that box of cookies because someone brought it into your home. You ate it because you chose to. Accept the truth. Fill yourself up with healthy food and leave just enough room for one cookie. There will probably come a time where you’ll turn it away, but until then, indulge, as long as it’s in moderation.

Your smile is a lie. Your smile is hope. It’s hope that deep down, though you may feel sad, you can feel happiness. You know that when you stop getting in your own head about your weight that you do actually feel happiness more than you feel sadness. Don’t push those feelings down. Embrace them. Know that there are so many reasons to be happy. You are alive. You have a beautiful family. You have guardian angels that want you to live your happiest life. But don’t do it for them. Do it for yourself and smile as often as you can.

You are broken. You may feel that way, but you are whole. You are made up of everything that you are. Part mom, part wife, part boss lady, part friend. Believe it or not, you inspire others. People look up to you. You may have some cracks in the surface, but they aren’t noticeable. They are part of who you are and what has made you who you are. Embrace those cracks. Love those cracks. Make new cracks. As long as your foundation is strong, you will never be broken.

I know you… better than anyone else knows you. I am you. I feel everything and see everything through your eyes, but behind it all, I see a fighter. I see someone who wants to look and feel better and is willing to try anything and everything to get there, you just aren’t patient enough. You put everyone else above yourself. You don’t take the time to take care of your body, your mind and your appearance. You deserve to be happy… whether it’s at 100 pounds or 300 pounds. You deserve to feel good enough and know that at any weight, you are.

You aren’t alone. I am in the back of your mind cheering you on, just as your family and friends are (even the ones that have left this life). They all just want you to be happy and healthy and secure in who you are. You’ve got this. You can do anything you put your mind to. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are fierce. Most of all, you are a warrior, at any size. Now go out there and kick some ass.

Love, Fat Girl