Dear Kids, Please Flush The Freaking Toilet (And Other Rules Of Bathroom Etiquette)

Dear Boys,

You know I love you to the moon and back, and I would pretty much do anything for you. I mean, think of how many hours I’ve spent wiping your precious buttholes without so much as a single retch (except that time when one of you had explosive diarrhea; I couldn’t help but gag my brains out then). In fact, there is at least one of you (not naming names) who still requires a tushie wipe every time you let a golden nugget loose into the toilet.

Speaking of toilets, I keep that motherfucker sparkling clean. You don’t notice. Of course not — a clean bathroom is the kind of thing people only notice when it’s neglected. And here’s the thing: As much as I love you, and as much as I love taking care of the room you piss and shit in, love is a two-way street, and you kids seriously need to up your game when it comes to bathroom etiquette.

So here’s a handy-dandy list of things I expect of you. It goes into effect today (and yup, Mr. Husband, you should probably take a good look at many of the things on this list too):

The toilet paper belongs on the goddamn toilet paper holder.

You boys are smart as whips, but for some reason, every time you use the toilet paper roll, it ends up as a pathetic — often wet — lump on the floor. It’s not rocket science: The toilet paper has a perfectly shaped holder on which to rest. Use it.

Inspect the toilet seat and floor for stray drops of piss.

Almost every time one of you pees, I find pee droplets on the floor, the toilet seat, or elsewhere (don’t ask: you guys sure know how to spray it sometimes). When I confront you about it, you say you had no idea it was there, or how it happened. Well, open your freaking eyes. Pee is yellow, and has a very particular scent, especially after a few minutes of just sitting there. Wipe it the fuck up. Or how about this? If you want to avoid the whole debacle in the first place, maybe you should finally learn how to aim.

Please flush the freaking toilet.

I know at least one of you claims to be afraid of the sound of the flush from our new heavy-duty toilet. But come on, you play video games with louder, more obnoxious booms. I don’t understand how someone can take a massive dump and then just leave it there. And I sure don’t need to see that the next time I sit down to pee.

The toilet paper will not replace itself.

Aren’t you glad you live in a home where the bathroom is always equipped with plenty of fresh toilet paper? How do you think it gets there? And why am I the only one who notices when it’s gone? It’s not like you need to run a marathon to retrieve it. There is always ample toilet paper in the bathroom cabinet. Replace it once in a blue moon, mmmkay?

For the love of God, put down the lid!

Did you know that if you flush with the toilet seat up, pee, poop, bacteria, germs, and all matter of other gross stuff gets propelled into the air at astronomical speeds? The inventors of the modern toilet gave it a lid for a very good reason. Look into it.

The bathroom is not a spa, a meditation room, or a man cave.

Listen, I get it. Sitting on the toilet while you release a deuce is your one time each day to reflect on the meaning of life. But the thing is, we only have one bathroom, and not all of us have an hour to wait for you to do your thing. So take your time, do your deep breathing, your Zen shit, but then get the hell out of there.

Wash your damn hands.

And no, putting them under the faucet for 2.5 seconds doesn’t count. Lather the fuck out of them with soap. Scrub. Sing a couple of lines of “Happy Birthday,” Super Mario, or whatever makes you happy, and get those bitches clean. This house doesn’t need more germs than you already bring in from school.

Air freshener: Use it.

Sorry, but your poos don’t always smell sweet as roses. And just wait till you eat like your dad…pee-ew!

Great! Glad I got all that off my chest. And now that you guys have this handy-dandy little list, you’ll be able to help a girl out, right?

Oh, and one more thing: When your favorite female in the world retreats into the bathroom to do her thing, especially when she closes the door, and gingerly says, “I’ll be just a minute,” please leave her the eff alone!

In fact, you can do a half-assed job with about 50% of the things on this list if you just let your mother poop in peace. Let’s make it a New Year’s miracle, OK?