Woman Attempting To Navigate Her Husband Through The Grocery Store Is All Of Us

by Julie Scagell

Why is it so hard to find all of the things at the grocery store?

If you want something done right, just ask a woman. Nowhere is this more evident than the competitive sport of grocery shopping. Deva Dalporto, the hysterical woman behind the blog My Life Suckers, is known for her brutal honesty, especially when it comes to the male gender. This time she’s made a video to ruminate about her husband’s complete incompetence at solo grocery shopping.

“My husband is a smart guy,” she explains in the video, titled “When Husbands Go Grocery Shopping,” “He has a degree in nuclear engineering from MIT. But the minute he crosses the threshold of a grocery store, his IQ plummets 100 points. Seriously, he acts like he’s suddenly in a maze, with the lights off, blindfolded,” she says.

In a series of amusing phone calls, Dalporto walks her husband through the entire store, by memory, because apparently we’re the only ones who can figure this stuff out. “Cutlets. Chicken cutlets. CUTLETS!” she screams into the phone. When her husband inquires where chicken lives in the store, Dalporto directs him to the butcher. Because where else would chicken be? “Now take a number. There’s a little machine. Above the Italian sausage,” she exclaims.

Mothers seem to be masters at finding all of the things. We have an innate beacon system that allows us to locate anything in our home without even getting off the couch. We know this because we have likely shopped for every single item and put it away in the exact spot it should be. Because there is a system to where shit goes, people.

Dalporto goes on to show us an example of an item her husband brought home from his last grocery adventure. “This is an actual picture of a piece of fruit my husband picked out,” she says, with a picture of what we believe is a pear, but could also be an apple or maybe even a kumquat (we actually have no idea what a kumquat is). Dalporto hilariously believes her husband rolled up to the fruit section and thought, “I’m going to find the one that looks like it was bludgeoned to death by an axe murderer.”

We aren’t saying that all men are terrible shoppers but what would a marriage be if you can’t prey on each other’s weaknesses and make fun of them?

“I don’t buy that my husband is an incompetent grocery store shopper,” Dalporto concludes. “Mm-mm. No, sir. I think it’s a massive conspiracy that the men of the world are playing on us women. And it’s working.”

Yes. It is.