A Liberal's Biased Recap Of Night One Of The Democratic National Convention

A (mostly true) account of night one of the Democratic National Convention

Hello, America! Welcome to night one of the Democratic National Convention!

Now, I said this every day of the Republican Convention and every day I was wrong, but I seriously think that things are going to go really well tonight. Smooth as silk.

CNN’s Jake Tapper: “Let’s check outside with Miguel Marquez and see where the Bernie protestors are. Miguel?”

Miguel: “Hi Jake, it is really, really hot out here and the protestors are starting to get a bit rowdy. I’m starting to get scared–”

Jake: “Sorry to cut you off Miguel, but we’ve got Boys II Men performing! And in case the audience was wondering, Boys II Men is worth exactly 38.5 Scott Baios.”

Opening prayer

God bless Hillary Clinton….

[Crowd: BOOOOOOO]

[Quick note: here are a few words that describe someone who boos a politician during a prayer: trifling, wrong, abhorrent, violent diarrhea of the mouth, a spectacle of idiocy, Sisyphean, futile, flaccid thinking, a point of view that misses the point entirely, etc etc etc.]

Marcia Fudge

Let me just say this — I’m going to listen to all of you. I’m going to be respectful of all of you, so you need to be respectful of me.

[We are off to a rocky start, folks. Now we’re going to run through a bunch of speakers talking about important things like immigration, drug addiction, and mental illness, none of whom the crowd seems to be listening to. You know what the Republicans were really good at last week? Shutting up and listening. You know what we’re doing tonight? Chit chatting while an 11-year-old speaks about how worried they are that their parents are going to be deported. Come on, y’all. You’re embarrassing us.]

Jason and Jarron Collins, NBA

(Jarron) How do you tell your kids not to be a bully if your president is one? How do you encourage your kids to be proud of their heritage if their president disparages it? How do you teach your daughters to be empowered when their president reduces them to body parts?

[CNN spans the crowd. Most people are looking at their phones. CNN cuts away from the crowd.]

(Jason) The Clintons are friends of mine. They knew that my sexual orientation had nothing to do with my ability to play basketball. Also, my haircut does not impact my cooking skills, but, strangely enough, my shirt color does influence the way I drive.

Anastasia Somoza, young woman with cerebral palsy

Donald Trump has shown us who he really is, and I feel sorry for anyone with that much hate in his heart. Donald Trump doesn’t see me, hear me, or speak for me.

[As a woman with a physical disability myself, I say YES PLEASE MAY I HAVE SOME MORE SIR to all of this.]

Al Franken and Sarah Silverman

Al is for Hillary. Sarah is for Bernie but proudly voting for Hillary. They are worth a Scott Baio and an Antonio Sabato Jr. multiplied by three and combined. They are building a human bridge between the two sides of the party. To underline the point, Paul Simon comes out and sings “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” For an encore, The Eagles perform “Get Over It,” Beyonce covers Gloria Gaynor’s, “I Will Survive,” Taylor Swift belts out “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” and Adele closes with a stirring rendition of, “Someone Like You.”

Eva Longoria

I’m Eva Longoria and I make Antonio Sabato Jr. look like two dozen Scott Baios. Now, are you ready for some inspiration and a Maya Angelou quote or two? How about a little dab of Cory Booker?

Cory Booker

Hold on to your butts, people. I was this close to being Vice President and here’s why.

Donald Trump tries to rise in the polls while dragging our national conversation into the gutter. When we are at our best, we stand up to bullies. In times of crisis, we don’t abandon our values, we double down on them. Like the great poem by Maya Angelou, [There it is. Everybody take a shot.] “Like dust, I’ll rise.” America, we will rise!

[America, we’ve got a poet in the pulpit and he just took everyone to church. I don’t know how anybody can follow that. Well, except for….]

First Lady Michelle Obama

It’s hard to raise children in this world. Barack and I tell our girls to ignore those who question their father’s faith or citizenship. [Trump] We tell them not to stoop to the level of bullies — when they go low, we go high. [Trump] Our kids are watching us. Who will have the power to shape our children for the next four to eight years of their lives? [Not Trump] There is only one person I trust with that responsibility, and that is our friend Hillary Clinton.

When she didn’t win the nomination eight years ago, she didn’t get angry or disillusioned [Bernie]. As a true public servant, she knows that this is so much bigger than her own disappointments [Debbie]. She has never quit on anything in her life [Bill]. When I think about the kind of president I want for my girls and all our children, I want leaders like Hillary, who has the guts and grace to keep putting cracks in that highest and hardest glass ceiling. That is the story of this country.

I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves [George Washington]. And I see my daughters playing with their dog on the White House lawn [Bo]. And because of Hillary Clinton, my daughters and all our sons and daughters now take for granted that a woman can be President of the United States.

[I have biased liberal tears in my eyes.]

Senator Elizabeth Warren

[Some members of the crowd are chanting over her speech. We need those Republican delegates from Texas with the big cowboy hats on to teach you people about decorum.]

Donald Trump is the worst in every way possible that there ever was in the history of all the things that there are. I’ll tell you what kind of a man he is, he’s a man who should never be President of the United States.

[I’m not going to kid you, I missed most of her speech because I was thinking about Michelle Obama and reading tweets about Michelle Obama and reading stories about Michelle Obama. But it was mostly EW’s great hits, so no harm, no foul.]

Senator Bernie Sanders

[Okay, we’ve been hearing all night about this full and complete endorsement you’re going to be giving her, so let’s have at it.]

Let me start by thanking the many many people who supported my campaign. I look forward to your votes during the roll call tomorrow night.

[Um…Bernie?]

I understand that many people are disappointed in the results of the nominating contest. I think it’s fair to say that no one is more disappointed than I am.

[…Bernie.]

But I hope you take enormous pride in the historical accomplishment we have achieved. Together we have begun a political revolution to transform America, and our revolution continues.

[Bernie, don’t make me homicidal.]

Let me be as clear as I can be. This election has never been about any of the things the media spends so much time discussing.

[Hahahahaha I know, right? Silly media. But seriously Bernie I will murder a stranger if you don’t start talking about Hillary.]

This election is about the needs of the American people and the kind of future we will create for our children and grandchildren.

[Alrighty then. Looks like I need to fashion myself a weapon of some sort….]

It is not acceptable that the top one-tenth of one percent owns as much wealth as the bottom 90%.

[AGREED. I have a disposable razor and that feral cat that keeps pooping in my garden.]

We have made improvements, but much, much more needs to be done.

[Think I’ll just Google the locations of any sex offenders in my neighborhood….]

We need leadership in this country that will improve the lives of everyone. We need leadership that will bring our people together…

[Last chance, Bernie. Full endorsement or there’s a level-three sex offender who’s going to get a face-full of cat and an uncomfortably close shave on his bikini line.]

Therefore, Hillary Clinton must become the next President of the United States. She will be an outstanding president and I am proud to stand with her.

[OH THANK GOD.]