24 Divorce Jokes For When You Need Laughter Therapy And A Chuckle

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
divorce jokes
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When you’re in the thick of a divorce, it’s probably not very funny. Then again, it would probably do you some good to lighten up and laugh a little. At the very least, it’s worth a try! So, embrace your newly single — or soon-to-be single — status, grab yourself a glass of wine, and enjoy a little laughter therapy with our list of divorce jokes.

Related: 100+ Monday Motivation Quotes To Get Rid Of The Sunday Scaries

  1. If marriage is grand, what is divorce?

Ten grand!

  1. What’s the only thing divorce proves?

Whose mother was right in the first place.

  1. Getting a divorce is like getting fired from a job you’ve hated for years.
  2. Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.

It’s as if they were polar opposites.

  1. Getting a divorce is like getting a new phone: You keep telling people how great it is and trying to convince everybody to get one too.
  2. Why did the cat get divorced?

He was a cheetah.

Paramount Pictures

  1. A divorce court judge said to the husband, “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

  1. Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the marijuana…

The judges have started issuing joint custody.

  1. What do you call Santa Clause after he gets divorced?

An independent Clause.

  1. Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for divorce.

Lawyer: Are you married? Wife: Yes, of course. Lawyer: Then you have grounds.Related: 100 Self Care Ideas For Inspo When You’re Ready To Put Yourself First

  1. What do they say at the divorced people’s bar?

You don’t have to stay here, but you can’t go home.

  1. A dentist and a manicurist decided to get divorced…

They fought tooth and nail.

  1. Why did the stockbroker not get upset when her wife divorced her?

Because she’s got lots of options.

  1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn’t.


  1. How many divorcées does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, the sockets go with the house.

  1. My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn’t stand up in court.

  1. What did Yoda say to Princess Leia after separating with Han Solo?

May divorce be with you.

  1. My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
  2. Why did the geologist’s wife leave him?

He took her for granite.

  1. Why are relationships similar to algebra?

Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.

  1. Ex #1: Every passing year our relationship gets better.

Ex #2: But we’re divorced. Ex #1: Yes.

  1. Did you all hear the one about a guy whose wife left him for a tractor salesman?

She gave him a John Deere letter!

  1. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness never paid for a divorce.
  2. Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it’s worth it.

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