Today is December 3rd.
Today I woke up happy.
Today is also three years since I experienced the worst day of my life.
I can confidently say that, because I had never known such pain, betrayal, and fear before than on that day. I’d never felt so lost or alone or helpless than that day.
And I truly never could have imagined feeling happy again.
Three years ago today, what I thought was the end of my “life” at 33 years old was, in all reality, just the beginning.
It was dreary, cold, and rainy that day. I think I sobbed as many tears as raindrops fell that night. Alone, on my shower floor.
I used to be so ashamed and embarrassed to admit that my husband — my best friend, my person, my everything — said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. And didn’t even want to try.
I never saw it coming.
I think the hardest thing at that moment was feeling like I had nothing. And no one. In an instant.
I realized I was living for someone else and when it got hard — so damn hard via three miscarriages, three surgeries, doctor appointments, worrying, trying, disappointments, etc. I became obsessed about making other people happy.
It’s still a challenge to write this and relive it, but I will never forget how I felt, because I promised myself I would never feel that way again.
I know my vulnerability helps others.
I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this. So I’ll continue to have vulnerability hangovers even if it makes just one person realize they aren’t alone. Happiness is waiting for you on the other side.
No, I haven’t remarried. I don’t have any children yet. I’m 36 now and know I’m considered “geriatric” at the OBGYN’s office. I don’t own a house anymore. And the last year has actually been one of the hardest years of my life — getting to know the real me.
And yet, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have really bad days — or months.
But I face problems now, and truly feel them so I can wade through them.
I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I’ve taken control of it because if not me, then who?
No one is going to save me. And I wouldn’t want them to. I can do this. Just like you can, too.
All I know is, I want to continue to share this journey in the hopes of inspiring others never to leave themselves behind. Maybe even spare them a few years of struggle along the way.
The true healing began when I started to lean on others, share my truth, be vulnerable, and believe that I am enough.
Confidence to follow my own path was the only thing weighing me down. But, like a muscle, you build and strengthen by doing, working, and acting. It’s never “easy,” but it’s always worth it.
I’m still training…
The days can seem long at times. I remember asking my therapist when the pain wouldn’t be so strong. Or when I’d stop thinking about the betrayal as the first thing that came to mind in the morning.
And then it happened. And then three years went by and I realized I had become grateful.
Life is short. So I’m unapologetically staying in my lane, putting my head down, following my heart, and shaking off the negativity.
Because once you’ve lived through the worst day of your life, it seems silly to let anything or anybody hold you back.