If Donald Trump Told Bedtime Stories: Goldilocks And The Three Bears

by Lea Grover
Originally Published: 
Donald Trump next to drawn fairy tales characters, Goldilocks And The Three Bears.
Pool / Getty Images (left photo) Amazon (right photo)

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl. I mean, she was terrific. If she wasn’t in a fairy tale, perhaps I’d be dating her. And she went for a walk in the woods, which, by the way, are a disaster, just a disaster. And she found a house. It was a real dump, no Mar-a-Lago. It was like Camp David for bears.

So she goes in, and she finds some food on the table. First, she takes a bite out of one bowl of porridge, and it’s too hot, far, far too hot. So she takes a bite of the next bowl, and it’s too cold. You know they say if we can make a fire, it’s all about clean coal, folks. The lame-stream media won’t tell you, but we need clean coal to make our porridge great again.

So then Goldilocks tastes the third bowl, and it’s fabulous. It’s bigly porridge, like they make in Trump Tower. So she eats the porridge, even though there’s no ketchup, and she goes to watch Fox & Friends.

She sits in the first chair, and it’s too hard. Far, far too hard. You know all the manufacturing in China, and they don’t make things there like they do in America, like they used to, before Obama and Crooked Hillary sent all the jobs to Mexico. Believe me, I’m going to bring back the chair manufacturing. We’ll open factories to make the best chairs you ever saw; you never saw a better chair. Then Goldilocks sits in the second chair, and it’s much too soft.

And she sits on the little chair. And the chair, it breaks! Can you believe that? It’s broken! The failing New York Times won’t tell you that. The chair was broken; it was broken before she got there, and whoever broke it, maybe it was the DNC, I don’t know, somebody broke it.

Anyway, she couldn’t watch Fox & Friends, so she went to bed. The first bed was too hard, like keeping a press secretary hard. Nobody knew how hard sleeping in that bed was going to be.

So she tried the second bed, and it was weak. It was a weak bed. A soft, weak, terrible bed. Sad.

So she lay in the third bed, and it was okay. It wasn’t as nice as the beds at Trump Hotel, I’ll tell you that much, but you know, that’s just what I hear. The polls say the Trump Hotel beds are the most comfortable beds, and everyone knows it.

So Goldilocks is sleeping, and the bears come in. And they’re bringing crime, and they’re rapists, and some, I assume, are good bears. And they find Goldilocks in the house. And they want to take the house, but that house is our heritage, and what’s next? Statues of bears on every corner? So those awful, terrible bears, they chase Goldilocks away, and it’s very sad. It’s a very sad story.

Wrong! Goldilocks calls ICE, and they get those bears with fire and fury like you’ve never seen! The bears were illegals, and they were voting. So Goldilocks got the house and built it up into a casino. And it was very successful, very, very successful, and Goldilocks was very, very rich, and everybody loved her because she was so good at business. She was amazing at making deals, the best, believe me. The crowds at her rallies were huge, just fantastic. And she was being treated very unfairly, but she had the biggest crowds, and ICE locked up Crooked Hillary, too, and there were never any Russians.

The end.

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