13 Reasons Why (I Think) I'm Done Having Kids

by Alisa Schindler
Originally Published: 

For years after my third son was born, my head and heart still pounded loudly in my ears. “I want another baby!” They screamed, and the older I got, the louder the pounding grew, drowning out all reason.

That’s when my husband, the logical one whose biological clock was not ticking in panicked booms, found me sniffing my children’s old newborn clothes and threw some cold water on my baby fever. Repeatedly, he pulled me, okay dragged me, by my flattened, no longer lactating boobs, back from the ledge as I tried to dive off ‘unprotected’. (Wink wink)

“No more.” He’d reprimand, as I clutched baby booties and eyed other people’s infants like a stalker.

“What’s one more?” I’d whine. “It’ll remove the whole middle child thing,” I reasoned. Oooh, maybe we’ll have a girl, I secretly thought.

But he was adamant and once I started thinking about it, I realized he might be right.

So, here are my top 12 reasons to remind myself – and you if you need it – why sometimes it’s good to quit while you’re ahead…

1. You can finally pee alone!

2. You are very very tired, even though you’re sleeping through the night. WTH?!

3. Laundry.

4. You can tell the kids to go away—and OMG—they do!

5. You no longer handle, stare at or analyze someone else’s poop!

6. You leak from only one female part instead of three!

7. WAAAAAAAAAAA! Yeah, that sound.

8. As it is, you can only afford to send 60% of your children to college.

9. You can drink wine with reckless abandon. Okay, semi reckless abandon.

10. On a good day, you barely have patience to deal with the kids you have.


12. You are happy.

Although knowing and accepting I’m done, do not always co-exist in my sappy psyche. Maybe because admitting that my fertility days are over, would mean I’m older (I am) and that I’ll never again be pregnant (I wear skinny jeans!), or have all of those cute, little baby things (I hate the crap I have!).

That’s why the next time I see a fresh, pink, bundle of delicious, and feel my old eggs start to sizzle, I’m going to breathe in that new baby smell, feel his warm weight in my arms and sigh at his perfect drooling face. I’m going to ooh and ahh for a moment, but then I’m going to gently hand him back.

And when I do, I’m going to add one more thing to the list…

13. When I give them back, I’m actually kind of relieved.

Put a fork in me. I’m done.

Related post: Five Reasons to Have “One More Baby”

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