I Don't Like Babies

I’m not a fan of the baby stage. Like, anything 0-12 months.

Before I had a baby of my own, I despised babies. (I still kinda do).

Someone would hand me a baby to hold and I’d put my arms out like a zombie. As if I was about to hold the most vile creature in the world. I would sweat. I wanted to puke.

When I had my first baby, I was fine for about two weeks. No visceral reaction to her babyness. I meannnn, I was high on new mommy adrenaline, Oxytocin and straight up fear.

Then the family visits stopped. My husband went back to work. It was me. Alone. With this baby.

My hormones (you know those happy, adrenaline new mom hormones?) tanked. Diaper changes ad nauseum. I was a milk machine (that didn’t even produce enough milk to feed my child). Formula stinks like dog food. The laundry full of soiled onesies is at least a mile high. The baby cried and sometimes I had no idea why. And the constant thoughts going through my mind, “I’m bored. I’m trapped. I’m fucking exhausted. When is it naptime? When is it bedtime?”

So on and so forth.

I’ve always been insanely jealous of the moms that say they fell in love with their babies the moment they laid eyes on them. It seems like this romantic love between a mother and her baby is what is splashed on every billboard, TV commercial and parenting book.

And here I am admitting that I’m not smitten with my baby. Like, I’m some confessed killer.

Here’s the obligatory, “Yes, I love my daughter and wouldn’t change it for the world.” There, you happy? I’m not completely screwed up. I just don’t like babies. And here’s why:

1. Breastfeeding. Leaky nipples, chaffed nipples, engorged boobs, blocked ducts, need I go on?

2. Projectile poop. That shit can shoot clear across a room. No one prepared me for that.

3. They don’t sleep. Or if they do sleep – they sleep when you don’t want them to. My daughter would take these awesome 5 hour naps in the afternoon and then not sleep for more than 2 hours at night. When I tried to fix her day/night confusion it only made things worse – because then she didn’t sleep at all.

4. They’re fragile. I was constantly worried I would break my daughter’s bones just by holding her the “wrong” way. Or that I’d accidentally cause her to suffocate if I swaddled her the wrong way.

5. They don’t communicate like the rest of us. They can’t. It’s a guessing game. So with every cry you have to investigate, and possibly try like 5 different things (diaper change? Bottle? Swaddle? Tummy time? Swing?) before you figure out what your baby is telling you.

6. They’re funny or cute for like 2 seconds, and then they are either hungry, poopy, too cold, too hot, tired, WHATEVER BABIES ARE for like the whole rest of the day. Funny and cute are sometimes way too far and few between.

7. Most babies look like aliens. Mine did.

8. Babies cry in restaurants. And it’s annoying embarrassing and frustrating. Not even worth an IHOP tab. I’ll eat a bowl of Cheerios at home before I bring a baby to a restaurant. Side note- babies cry on planes too. Which sucks for everyone on that plane, but I gauran-fuckin’-teeeee that it sucks more for the parent of that child. I’ve been on both sides, thank you very much.

9. Baby car seats are in fact, rocket science. They’re hard to install, move and strap. And after you do figure it all out, and the baby is in it, – he or she is probably screaming bloody murder. Because babies don’t like car seats.

10. Everyone tries to touch babies. Which means, everyone tries to talk to you…the parent. At the mall, at the grocery store, pumping gas, in a public restroom. Duuuuudddeee, I don’t like people.I especially don’t like random strangers coming up to me and saying to my kid, “OOoohhhhhh, mmmeeyyyy gooossshhh, aren’t you a cutie patootey, little bbbabbbbbyyyy, yes you are..muah muah muah. Wook at those wittle toesie woesies.” Ugh.

Babies. What’s to like?!

Related post: 10 Things You Should Know About Babies