This time of year is all about being with family, eating big meals, decorating the tree with loved ones, and panicking over a stupid Elf doll for 24 nights straight.
Modern parenthood has been besieged by a holiday phenomenon known as Elf on the Shelf. To know him is to hate him. He’s here to watch your kids and report any bad behavior back to Santa, but he’s also here to low-key ruin your life for a month, because coming up with fun and creative ways for him to pop up every morning during what’s arguably the most stressful month of the year is now a parental expectation. So let these funny tweets turn your tears of Elf terror into tears of laughter. Because that (and alcohol) is our only hope of surviving this shit.
1. Calm. Down.
We all have that one friend (or six) who goes a teeny bit overboard with the Elf. Stop it. You’re making the rest of us look terrible when we just toss it up on the kitchen lighting fixture and call it a day.
2. *slowly raises hand*
I’m sorry, is there another reason to do the Elf that I’m unaware of? Do people actually find it fun?
3. Nailed it.
You could blow $30 of your precious Target budget on a felt Elf that you have to dream up 24 nights’ worth of magical scenarios for, or stick with the time-tested classic. Seems like the latter will give you more time for wine and Netflix. Just saying.
I currently have a puppy waking me pre-dawn every morning in addition to my usual mom mania. If I had to remember to move a damn Elf in the midst of it all, I might end up jumping into the sea.
5. Over it.
The parents who start it any earlier than December 1st — who hurt you? It’s only December 8th and we’re all over it.
6. Now THIS we would buy.
If we want to make the experience realistic, let’s go for broke, parents. A screaming Elf to terrify your child into calming the hell down sounds like heaven. I’ll take three.
7. Oh no, he’s lost!
One too many nights with that weird little doll staring at you is enough to make any parent crack. Sorry, kiddo.
8. The fear is real.
Forgetting to move the Elf is the new “nightmare about taking a test you never studied for.” And it sucks.
9. Make it work for you.
If you’re stuck with this tiny, felt piece of shit for a month, may as well reap some benefits. Go to bed, OVER.
10. So liberating.
Tired of seeing Stephanie from high school posting pics of Elf cities made of Rice Krispie treats? Unfollow without a shred of guilty. She deserves it, TBH.
The kids are living a December of absolute enchantment while their parents panic at 2am. Such fun.
12. Great list.
We’re on board with all these ideas, especially the last one. That’s $30 that could be spent on wine and chicken nuggets.
Considering they also believe a fat man in a red suit squeezes his booty down 80 million chimneys in one night, thinking an Elf doll comes to life isn’t such a stretch.
14. Life comes at you fast.
Our brain space is now fully occupied by Elf worry. This is your life now. Embrace it.
15. Safe AF.
Happy Elfing, parents!
This article was originally published on