Enjoy your evening in these ridiculous yet magnificent Halloween costumes
Halloween is a holiday where children run around in adorable costumes while their parents drag-ass behind them, sipping on an adult beverage or four. This year, why not shake things up and go in your own Halloween costume? But not just any costume. No no, friends. We want you to wear a truly great costume — one that cracks you up and makes your friends say, “That’s ridiculous, you are a ridiculous person, and I’ll need a few hundred pictures of this.” And if it humiliates your kids along the way, that’s just an extra.
You know all those times your kids got upset and said you embarrassed them because you made eye contact or breathed too loud in public? Well, we think it’s time you introduced them to what true humiliation really is. They aren’t going to be thinking about the way you breathe when you’re waddling behind them dressed in one of these costumes.
Raar…I’m a lion!
In order to make this costume work, you’re going to have to go barefoot (lions don’t wear shoes), and you must prance from house to house as demonstrated in the picture. You can’t be some sneaker-wearing, casual-strolling lion and still make this costume worth it. Also, bear in mind that Prancy the Lion is currently on sale at Kohl’s, and even though it doesn’t have any reviews we’re pretty sure wearing it is a 4-star experience at a minimum.
One big steaming pile of yes.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, now this is what we’re talking about. It’s the giant giraffe head that really — wait for it — puts it over the top. (You’re welcome.) And don’t forget the hooves covering your hands, which make it much more difficult to drink your beer but just awkward enough to make it a pleasure for those around you to watch. Bonus points if you pretend the giraffe head is doing the drinking for you.
How about deez nuts?
Honestly, we might not be worthy of this costume. The nut jokes alone make it worth every penny. And then, on top of it, you get to be a squirrel making squirrel faces and squirrel noises. Make sure you go to the door with your kids so you can say “Trick or treat,” shake your tail, and pretend to eat your acorn. They will love it. No, really. We promise.
I’m a banana and I’m happy to see you.
Nothing says “pleased to meet you” like a banana. This particular banana looks like it’s being threatened, but we’re sure that most people will applaud you for your choice of costume. Not a lot of produce gets represented on Halloween, so you’ll be sure to stand out in a way your children will despise. And then next year you can go as a mango or a squash or something. Wouldn’t that be appealing? (Kill us.)
What. He’s bacon. Deal with it.
Dressing up as bacon involves more of a character study than other costumes. We like to imagine Bacon is world-weary, grizzled, and possibly an alcoholic. Take yourself down to the local bar after trick or treating, light up a cigarette, and tell the bartender you’re stressed about not getting promoted at work.
Just do it. For us.
This dog saves lives and hands out lollipops, and he’s all out of lollipops.
What kid doesn’t love a big plush dog? And what adult doesn’t love the warmth and anonymity of being a big plush dog? Accompanied by your best effort at a Deputy Dog voice, this costume could be tons of fun. On a side note, did you know that St. Bernards used to save people buried in snow by digging through the snow and the lying on top of them? It’s hard to know if your situation has gotten better or worse when you start out buried under a few feet of snow and get freed only to have a wet 200-pound dog lie down on top of you. This would be an interesting question to answer on Halloween. Take down some folks, get on top of them, and ask them in your Deputy Dog voice if they feel safe. We’ll bet you a Kit Kat the answer will be no.
Meet Half-Assed, the unicorn.
Listen, not everyone wants to go with a full-body costume. We get that. So here’s an option for those of you who want to do just enough to enjoy being a unicorn but just little enough to have people ask what happened to the rest of your costume. The struggle comes when you have the hooves on your hands and want to take off the head. Then you’re in a bit of a pickle. But asking someone to please pull your head off (“Not by the horn!”) would be an excellent ice-breaker when meeting other parents.
Merry Christmas right the hell now!
Don’t let anybody tell you it’s not the time to celebrate Christmas. If you’re a Christmas-celebrater, and you love Christmas a whooooooooooooooooole lot, then get your jingle bell-bearing butt into this Christmas tree costume. People will be confused, your kids will be embarrassed, and you will be drunk. But seriously, how much fun would this be? After your kids say, “Trick or Treat” and get their candy, you can whip out your finger guns and say to the people at the door, “Hey. You have a holly jolly Christmas.” This might just be the best idea ever.
See, adults can have all kinds of fun on Halloween! Grab a costume that makes you laugh, hit the town, and get the people around you to smile while they’re trying not to lose their kid, who is one of the hundreds dressed as a Pokémon. (“Which Pokemon?” “I don’t know! They’re all nonsense words! Oh, Billy, I should have listened when you talked about the evolutions of a SnaffBafter!”)
Have a blast. Happy Halloween!