It didn’t take me long to realize that there are certain things that tick off most (although not all) pregnant women. Sure, sure, we can go around telling them they looks great, but sometimes you just want to be a dick and what better way to do that than messing with a woman with child? Well, here are just a few universal nuggets that I’ve found if you’re looking to poke the pregnant bear.
1. Tell her your birth story.
Even if she starts to walk away, just follow her with every gory detail about your birth. The more painful and horrible, the better. And be sure to keep asking her if she’s scared. If she says “no,” just ask her if she’s sure or tell her that she should be. Maybe she needs to hear about your episiotomy again.
2. Suggest a name.
It’s doubtful that she and her partner have put a lot of thought into choosing a name, so it’s important that you weigh in on this decision with a couple of names you thought of on the way into work. If you come up with a funny one, be sure to greet her stomach with it. For example, scream “How’s it going in there, Ass-Clown-Charlie Brown?!” Be sure to lean on the surname when you say it.
3. Comment on her size.
If she’s looking big, be sure to ask if she’s sure there isn’t two in there, or if she’s sure she’s due in two months and not at noon. If she looks small, be sure to ask her where she’s hiding it, or suggest maybe she just swallowed a grape. This one might also make her worry that something’s wrong so it’s a nice double whammy.
4. Jump in with “Just you wait until the baby comes” anytime she looks like she’s enjoying herself or if she’s a little too happy about the baby.
Clearly she doesn’t realize how difficult it is to have a baby, so it’s up to you to make sure she doesn’t get too excited. Babies are awful.
5. Tell her what she should and shouldn’t be doing.
It really is amazing that she made it as far as she has, considering how reckless she’s being with her diet and daily routine. Normally you wouldn’t care, but seeing as there’s a baby involved, you better get in there and smack that coffee out of her hand; or better yet, just give her dirty looks and shake your head. That will teach her. You don’t want your tax dollars going towards that kid’s tail removal someday.
6. Ask her if her pregnancy was an accident.
The less you know the woman the better because it will make her realize that you don’t approve of her reproductive schedule (of course you would never come out and say that because that would just be rude). An even more subtle comment would be, “You know how that happens, right?” Everybody in the room will think it’s funny, but now she knows, and you know, that you’ve just pointed out that she’s had sex. If she becomes offended, just tell her it was a joke and to lighten up, then roll your eyes and say “hormones”.
7. Ask her if she knows what she’s having.
If she tells you the sex, ask her if she’s disappointed that she isn’t having the opposite. (On the off chance that she says “yes,” be sure to tell her child that their mother didn’t want them at an age-appropriate time). If she says that they aren’t finding out the sex, act surprised and say “Don’t you want to know?!” Say it in a way that implies that she isn’t interested in her baby.
8. Ask her if she conceived naturally, especially if you don’t know the woman very well.
Be sure to ask her in front of other strangers if possible. It’s a great question, because if she used fertility treatments, then she has to reveal a very personal, private part of her life, and if she didn’t, she also has to reveal a very person, private part of her life. If she says that it’s none of your business, you can just hold up your hands in defense and say, “Whoa, easy, I was just asking a question. Someone is touchy today.” She can’t win. It’s a delicious Catch-22.
9. Toward the end of her pregnancy, be surprised every time you see her.
Say things like “Are you STILL pregnant?” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and an extra helpful “I guess it just doesn’t want to come out!” – which is nice, because it points out the delivery she is *clearly* putting off and it’s a little gross, too.
10. Touch her belly.
The less you know her, the better. Just walk up to her and start rubbing her stomach. Make an “MMmmmm” noise while you do it. If that doesn’t get her going, put your face right up to her belly button and talk into it like a microphone. Ask the baby how they’re doing and listen for an answer. If that still doesn’t upset her, comment how her baby doesn’t move much because it didn’t respond to your voice and how she may want to talk to her doctor about that.