'I Fight The Fear Of Loss Every Day': Eva Amurri Writes About Pregnancy After Miscarriage

by Valerie Williams
Image via Instagram

Actress Eva Amurri-Martino writes about being pregnant after a miscarriage

Eva Amurri-Martino, daughter of actress Susan Sarandon, took to her blog recently to describe the roller-coaster of emotions she’s feeling while pregnant after a miscarriage. Opening up about the fear she deals with every day while waiting for her baby to be born, she gives voice to the many other women that have been there.

Last month, Eva announced that she’s expecting again with husband Kyle Martino. She followed up that exciting news with a very honest blog post about a miscarriage the couple experienced last year. She writes that if miscarriage is something women don’t talk about much, that the feelings surrounding a post-miscarriage pregnancy are talked about even less.

“I think there’s a misconception that once a woman conceives after a miscarriage, that somehow her miscarriage is erased — that the feelings of loss are replaced by feelings of joy for this new baby, and that everything moves forward as it should be. In my own experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth.”

She shares that her miscarriage last year was at around 10 weeks and that all seemed to be going well, right up until the end. “I had been in to my doctor’s office for a perfect, normal ultrasound just the day before. I saw our baby moving and growing normally: its arms and legs, its perfect heartbeat, its size right on track. Then, our baby passed away inside me what must have been only a few hours later.”

This experience left the mom of toddler daughter Marlowe full of fear. “As I grieved the loss of my child, and what could have been, I was also paralyzed by a fear that I would never again have a healthy child.” She describes the fear as a “scar” the loss of her baby left behind.

Once she felt ready to get pregnant again, the fear resulting from her miscarriage quickly took over. “I felt so many things. I was afraid of loss, of course, but I also felt fiercely protective, and above all a homesickness and longing for the baby that our family would never get to meet. I didn’t feel like celebrating. I barely spoke of it.”It’s easy to see why she would feel this way. Some women worry about becoming too attached to a pregnancy after having experienced loss or think they might “jinx” the new pregnancy by becoming too excited over it. They also might feel the need to maintain a distance in case they lose this baby too — so it might not hurt as much if they miscarry again. Of course, this isn’t a logical or rational line of thinking. But it’s one lots of moms find hard to avoid.[related_post]Until a woman has suffered a miscarriage, it’s hard to imagine it actually happening. But once it has? It’s hard to imagine it not happening. My miscarriage a year and a half ago wasn’t terribly traumatic in that we found out relatively early on an ultrasound and I never experienced heavy bleeding or cramping. I had an uneventful D&C and my doctor assured me nothing was wrong with my body that would cause it to happen repeatedly. Our loss was just a random, unfortunate occurrence.[shareable_quote]”I was afraid of loss, of course, but I also felt fiercely protective, and above all a homesickness and longing for the baby that our family would never get to meet. I didn’t feel like celebrating. I barely spoke of it.”[/shareable_quote]Even armed with that knowledge, I’ve still found myself too scared to get pregnant again. Too scared to become excited over the possibility of a new child in our family because now that I know about miscarriage intimately, I never want it to happen to us again. I certainly relate to Amurri-Martino’s feelings of fear and admire her bravery in becoming pregnant again and speaking out about how difficult it can be after losing a baby.Of the internal struggle to not let the fear overtake her she writes, “I still have moments of panic and wariness that my worst fear could once again come true. I allow myself these moments, and try to breathe through them. When I’m scared, I speak to my son — I encourage him to stay with us, and tell him how much we are longing to hold him and to welcome him in to our family.”All of her feelings are completely understandable. There are no rules here. We wish Eva and her family a healthy pregnancy.H/T Today Parents