You know the mom friend your husband warned you not to bring home because she drinks all his expensive wines? She’s the friend the PTA is trying to ban from their meetings because she never reads the notices and will donate store-bought donuts for every fundraiser in an act of defiance. She’s the one rated PG-13 as a potty-mouthed straight shooter from the womb. She never minces her words and orders you straight-up like a whiskey neat. She tells you point-blank that she would rather fucking poke her eyes out the than attend another playdate or watch kids play Minecraft for the millionth time. She’s the one all the other moms fear because she tells everyone within a 30-mile radius of her exactly what is on her mind, in all 503 different cuss languages.
Please do not dillydally on your friendship crusade, and do not waste a minute on the always fucking annoying, goody two-shoes, Pinterest-perfect parent Jane who will lie to you about how incredibly painless her childbirth experience was simply because she visualized her muscles expanding. The no bullshit friend will tell you that is a complete crock full of hogwash as she describes to you in colorful detail the art of squeezing a watermelon out of her hoo-ha, which hurt like a bitch because that’s the bloody honest truth.
As your eyes widen in horror, she will then reassure you that the only thing that will, and should, be expanding is your repertoire of cuss words as you let it rip at that goddamn son of a bitch husband who is still watching the game in the labor ward when he asks you if you can “wait a while” while you’re trying to push said watermelon out so that he finish watching the game. Hell, the no bullshit friend will even share with you some choice words to add to that repertoire, just in case said husband has the audacity to complain that he’s “so tired, hungry, and bored,” and how he needs some shut-eye — when you were the one in pain for the last 12 hours.
Every mom needs at least one no bullshit mom friend who will actually tell her how incredibly hard motherhood can be with a few “fucks” and “shits” thrown in, with a healthy dose of “asshole” references, so that she knows what to really expect. Here are some reasons why you do not have to be afraid of the no bullshit mom friend:
1. She will never bullshit you about the shitty parts of pregnancy.
She will point out that your swollen fingers look like 10 frozen fish sticks, that you have grown Dolly Parton’s tits from hell, and that you look like a beached whale version of your Uncle Marty with his beer belly. But she will also be the Thelma to your Louise as she rocks up at your front door, egging you to joyride on her Grandma Lily’s motorized scooter to help get you to that Krispy Kreme store because, damn it, you deserve it.
2. She will never bullshit you that the only glow of pregnancy you may ever see is that of the toilet bowl.
But she will be right there, holding your hair back for you and making sure you are all right, all the while asking you what the hell you ate the bloody night before.
3. She will never bullshit you about the bloody awful days when the baby sticks his foot right up your ribs.
Or when his head is cannonballing your pelvis, and when you can’t walk or sleep much from all that peeing. But she will help paint your toenails — which you have not seen in about three months now — because she knows you deserve to feel beautiful.
4. She will never bullshit you that giving birth is fucking painful and will not be accompanied by soft music, lights, and makeup retouches.
She will congratulate you on having been cast as Sigourney Weaver in your very own Alien movie. It is just as bloody and gory, and the screams are just as real and horrifying. But she will present you with your very own Academy Award with a side of champagne for doing such an amazing job of being a watermelon pusher!
5. She will never bullshit you that all the hypnobirthing, breathing, and visualization techniques are bullshit.
Because the fact is giving birth is painful. Period. Anyone who tries to tell you anything else is either trying to sell you their birthing services or is a man. It is the most god-awful pain, and while these mental strategies can help you cope with the pain to some degree, it is still bloody painful. She will tell you that the minute they put that baby on your chest, you will know it’s all been worth it, even with that new ass you never ordered.
6. She will never bullshit you that breastfeeding your baby is natural and beautiful, but it can still fucking hurt like hell and be the most difficult thing you will ever try to do.
You will be frustrated, you will be sore, and you may cry in frustration and sleep deprivation. And instead of saying stupid things like “it’s easy and natural, so all women should do it!” she will listen to you without judgment and she will tell you that your boobs will never be the same again. She will then even help you buy that first tin of formula if you need her to because the kids all grow up to play Minecraft anyway.
7. She will never bullshit you that even though your baby looks like a complete angel now in the hospital cot, you may never sleep again for the next five years and that fresh hell has just begun.
She will never tell you “it’s only a phase” because she knows that is the most bloody useless parenting phrase ever. She will pop around, she will help with the baby, she will dry your tears, and she will just bloody be there because she knows that being all talk is just total bullshit.
8. She will never bullshit you about the other judgy moms who may be waiting out there for you.
Whether they’re at the doctor’s office, supermarket, playground, or school, there are those who may judge you for the choices you make, the clothes you wear, the color of your skin, the car you drive, or the laugh you have. But she will be there to defend you and stand up for you, every single day. She will block or unfriend the motherfuckers, or worse, run against them for the PTA presidency, just because she can and she takes no bullshit.
9. She will never bullshit you that, yes, some days you will look like shit, feel like shit, and that basically, life with kids can be kinda shitty at times.
But come every Saturday night, you’ll be a small town girl living in a lonely world, who took a midnight train with her, your no bullshit friend, going anywhere — right after she tells you that the breastfeeding bra you are wearing right now must be the fucking most hideous thing she has ever seen.
That’s where she will always be, right next to you on that midnight train, with two glasses of your husband’s best Shiraz, ordering you some Victoria’s Secret underwear, because the no bullshit friend knows that is when a mom needs a mom friend the most.
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