Ah, the PTA. Or as I like to call it, the PT&A. (I’m here every Thursday, tip your waitress!) It’s a necessary evil in order to get things done and those dedicated parents who devote hours to bettering things for our kids’ schools deserve medals. And a shitload of wine.
And tons more wine if they promise not to ask us to help.
Volunteering for the PTA is a real sacrifice, no doubt. You thought not sleeping for a year when your child was born was the worst thing you’d ever have to do as a parent but who knew you’d one day man the pizza booth at the school Halloween dance and spend those three hours praying for the sweet release of death? It’s not pretty, but someone has to do it. And the funny parents of Twitter understand that you’d rather that someone not be you.
1. A questionable life choice.
Join PTA so the rare times u get AWAY from your kids r spent DISCUSSING your kids in alcohol-free meetings w/adults who are WORSE than kids.
— Jenn Harrell Scott (@Jenn_H_Scott) September 14, 2016
Why am I here again? Without vodka?
2. It could take a few years.
My kids are 1.5 & 3 months, but I’m considering joining the PTA preemptively to convince them all to wear pajamas & serve gin at meetings.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) September 14, 2016
Best to start getting them all on your wavelength ASAP. Like, be an influencer.
*First day as PTA President*
Wine & Paint Night will be our only fundraiser.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 8, 2016
All say “yay.” Next order of business, please.
4. Ignore your instincts.
When you’ve been spotted by the PTA president you should not stop, drop and roll. I know this now.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) August 3, 2016
Seeing the prez out in the wild may feel like an emergency equivalent to being licked by flames, but remain calm. There are other ways to escape that won’t make you look quite so unstable.
My signature move is showing up late to a meeting and then spending my first five minutes there trying to borrow a pen.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) October 16, 2014
“Can I borrow a pen” is my classic opening line for meeting new moms in any and all school situations. The PTA is no exception.
6. Learn a new skill to boot!
I practiced parkour for 3 months just to avoid the PTA recruitment tables at the Back-to-School BBQ.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) September 14, 2016
7. *changes page to private*
If you thought Facebook was bad when your weird aunt joined, just wait until you’re a mom and the entire PTA finds you.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 14, 2016
Brace yourself. You’re about to get hit up for buying candles, essential oils, seaweed body wraps, hand bags, soaps and weight loss shakes. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
8. Oh, how things change.
My ringtone used to be Lil Wayne singing “call me so I can make it juicy for ya” now I’m an elected official on the preschool board
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 26, 2016
Bring back that ringtone. Look around the meeting when it goes off and see who’s bobbing their head along. Boom. Your new mom BFF.
9. Deep breaths.
*slams down beer*
I’m out of order?
You’re out of order!
THIS WHOLE PTA MEETING IS OUT OF ORDER!!
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 24, 2015
The PTA might not be the best place to let out your inner (drunken) Al Pacino. Wait. Never mind. It’s actually the perfect place.
10. It’s standard procedure.
Parent of a Kindergartner starter pack:
Scissors for cutting box tops
Specimen cup for your blood sacrifice to the PTA
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 14, 2016
It’s either blood or 40 volunteer hours. Can someone help me roll up my sleeve and tighten this tourniquet real quick?
Telling the other PTA moms that I’m “balls deep” in cleaning my closets probably wasn’t the best way to turn down their coffee invite.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 7, 2016
What? It was true.
12. Turn off your read receipts.
“The PTA needs help with Secret Santa this ye…”
*instantly deletes email
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) December 9, 2014
Or mark the president as spam? I dunno, just spit-balling here.
13. Shut up and take my money. Literally.
Me: Can I make a donation in lieu of fundraising?
PTO Pres: We really prefer parents to participate.
Me: So…$100 then?
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) September 14, 2016
Ugh. Participating. Gross.
Show up at the PTA meeting dressed as a ghost so nobody knows it’s me when I cough/shout “dumbass!” when someone tries to “shake things up.”
— Stacey Sordahl (@DrunkAtThePTA) September 14, 2016
Make sure to also moan intermittently to keep up the charade.