I own two pairs of yoga pants.
That statement will leave you asking one of four questions:
1. Why do you have more than one pair?
2. Why do you only have two pairs? I have a whole closet full!
3. Do you actually do yoga?
4. Why do you own yoga pants if you don’t do yoga?
I’ll answer the first question first because I’m a tired mom who needs to keep things as simple as possible. I own more than one pair of yoga pants because I have a daytime pair and an evening pair. By “evening pair,” I don’t mean I wear them for special outings like cocktail parties, work events, and going to Target by myself. When I say “evening pair,” what I really mean is, “This pair is not suitable for the outside world. There are holes in places that would show everyone with eyes my granny panty-clad booty or patootie and no one wants to see that.” This pair is reserved for home with the curtains drawn and the kids in bed when it’s just me, my Netflix, and way too much ice cream.
Now onto the second question. Why do I own only two pairs of yoga pants? Well, we’ve already discussed that one of the pairs would get me arrested for indecent exposure should I wear them in public. The other pair is my nice pair. My dressy pair. The pair that I wear almost every day—the exception being when it’s laundry day and I have to wear something else for a few hours. Pretty much the only guarantee that at least one load of laundry gets done every couple of days is if my yoga pants are in said load. They’re the only clothing item I need on a daily basis so you can bet your kids’ leftover Halloween candy I keep them clean and ready for action at all times. Thus, if I only have one “nice” pair, it means more laundry gets done. I think Martha Stewart endorsed this idea.
As for question number three — if I actually do yoga — I will be completely transparent and say no. I don’t. I used to. But if you’ve ever tried doing yoga with two toddlers climbing on your back and playing peek-a-boo while you’re in Downward Dog, you’ll understand why I haven’t done it in a very long time. On the bright side, having to squeeze and turn and slip and wedge myself into different positions to retrieve lost pacifiers, Legos and petrified string cheese has allowed me to maintain my flexibility.
And, finally, the ultimate question every person who doesn’t own yoga pants has to ask: Why do you own yoga pants if you don’t do yoga? Isn’t that like owning a chef’s hat when you’re not actually a chef?
Yes and no.
Sure, it can be seen that I wear yoga pants to make it appear I’m one of those svelte women who wake up at 4AM to jog 300 miles before doing seven hours of yoga and then treating themselves to some sort of smoothie concoction resembling primordial ooze before downing a bowl of quinoa and flax. But, you see, wearing yoga pants is more of a… lifestyle, if you will.
Yoga pants allow me the freedom to chase my kids around the house (and the store and the park and just to the mailbox) without being hindered by a skirt or dress flying into my face or skinny jeans restricting my movements and blood flow. The alternative would be leggings but, since I can’t wear those unless I’m wearing a tunic length shirt. If that’s the case, I must be on vacation because that would mean I had time to coordinate an outfit.
Furthermore, yoga pants are the most versatile piece of clothing I own. They are not, in fact, pajamas as “pants” is clearly in the clothing item’s name. But they can double as pajamas if you really want them too because they’re so stinkin’ comfortable. They’re pajamas and pants. They’re magical. They make me feel like Harry Potter.
Since they’re both pants and pajamas, you can jump out of bed, pull on a hoodie—and a bra if you’re afraid you’ll run into somebody you know—a baseball cap to hide your bed head, some tennis shoes, and head out the door in a matter of seconds. Not only that, but I hear the “sporty” look is in which means other people will think you look put together when you literally just rolled out of bed. And, bonus, you’ll look like one of those people who actually do yoga.
Yoga pants suck in my postpartum pooch but have enough elastic to allow me to breathe should I eat too many nachos. They don’t require me to button or snap or zip up anything which means those ten seconds can be better used for trying to get my kids to eat a vegetable. They commonly come in black which is both slimming and classic—like Audrey Hepburn.
That’s right. My yoga pants make me feel like Martha Stewart, Harry Potter and Audrey Hepburn. What other item of clothing can say that?
I unashamedly love my yoga pants. To all those who think that they’re passé and past their prime, I completely disagree. Yoga pants will be around for as long as there are exhausted moms in the world.
So, ya know, forever.
Related post: Death of the Perfect Yoga Pants
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