Someone Please Adopt This Sleep-Deprived Woman's Asshole Rooster

by Valerie Williams
Image via Facebook

We have to help her

When you have a terrible thing you want to get rid of on Craigslist or Facebook, it’s instinctual to try to make that thing sound far more appealing than it is. Or, you could go against the grain and be brutally honest, which is what one hilarious woman is doing in an attempt to unload her asshole rooster.

According to Someecards, Denell McCaul raises chickens and one god-awful rooster, the latter of which she’s absolutely done tolerating. McCaul’s Facebook post advertising his availability doesn’t sugarcoat in any way –he sounds like a complete nightmare. Honestly, we’re a little worried — the sleep deprivation she’s suffering because of this feathered douchebag really comes through here.

“FREE to good home. Well, any home really. At this point I don’t give a shit what kind of home this inconsiderate jerk goes to: ASSHOLE ROOSTER,” the post opens. Things don’t get much better for Mr. Rooster from there.

“He’s the perfect rooster if your alarm is broken and you need to be awake at 5:30 a.m. That is his only setting, 5:30. He has no snooze button but will be quiet just long enough for you to fall back to sleep and then he’ll start back up with his obnoxious cock-a-doodle-doing right outside of your windows.”

So….like a toddler? Though we have the feeling a “Paw Patrol” marathon and sippy cup won’t get this guy to shut the fuck up so you can doze for 15 more minutes.

“It’s like he knows where you sleep and can zone in on that particular window so maybe he has some sort of special x-ray vision where he can see sleeping people behind walls.”

OK yeah, that definitely sounds like a toddler.

To be fair, McCaul does make an effort to highlight the benefits of owning this mostly insufferable fowl.

“He is also a perfect rooster if you want to start running… around your yard… while you’re trying to get away from him. He no longer goes after me as he is also an instructor of interpretive dance.”

Dancing and cardio? A bargain!

“Or at least that’s what I imagine it looked like as I went after him flapping my arms, jumping up and down, kicking at him, yelling and screaming, and swinging a mop in his direction.”

Oh. Well that doesn’t sound like much fun.

“So, if you’re looking for an alarm clock with the only setting being 5:30 a.m., a personal trainer and a dance instructor, I have the perfect rooster that is able to fill all 3 of those positions FOR FREE!”

The only catch?

“But you’re coming out to catch this asshole, I want to see your first interpretive dance lesson.”

So do we, so please film it, Denell. And good luck.