Fidget Spinners For Your Nipples: Now Even Sex Can Be More Annoying

by Valerie Williams
Image via Twitter

Fidget spinners aren’t done with us yet

The kids are asleep. The lights are dim. Your husband has actually shut off SportsCenter. It’s time to get freaky if you know what I’m saying. Go slip into something a little more comfortable and grab your favorite toys.

And by toys we mean fidget spinners. For your nipples.

Yes, you read that right. Someone invented fidget spinners for your nipples, Fidgetiddies, because fidget spinners haven’t annoyed us enough yet this year. Let’s go for broke.

According to Glamour, this curiosity is brought to us by Manuela Torres-Orejuela, 22. The recent college grad explains the inspiration behind her creation. “I have ADHD and anxiety so the toy genuinely brings me peace and joy. I even decorated my graduation cap with fidget spinners for my UCLA graduation last month and it was a big hit with kids. Since I used velcro to make the spinners stick on my cap, I ended up playing around with other places to stick them. Since I am a gender studies major and a vocal body positive feminist on my social media, it came naturally to me to put them on my breasts as an ironic and playful way to subvert patriarchy.”

OK, so she’s 22. She’s not a mom. This explains why she thought this might be a cute and not totally horrifying idea. She even provides a helpful tutorial.

For anyone who lives with a grade school kid, fidget spinners are more or less a four-letter word. For months my kids have been talking about them constantly and when they’re not talking about them, they’re spinning them. Incessantly. When they’re not talking about them or spinning them, they’re leaving them all over the fucking place for me to step on or accidentally kick underneath the couch.

So obviously when the day is done and the kids are tucked in the first thing I think about is how to use fidget spinners during grown up time. Because honestly, there’s nothing sexier than creeping your partner out with the toy your kid has been annoying the whole household with all day.

Obviously I’m joking, but it might be kind of funny to strap these babies to your nips, wear a loose t-shirt to conceal your special secret, and let your significant other discover them by surprise. Even if you’re not really in the mood for sex you can still provide entertainment and a much-needed distraction from the rigors of everyday life.

Just make sure you don’t get your Fidgetiddies mixed up with your kids’ collection.