Fisting 101: Everything You've Wanted To Know, But Were Scared To Ask

At first glance, the sexual act of fisting sounds like … a lot. And it is a lot. If you Google it, there’s nothing but pages of hardcore porn videos, which can be incredibly off-putting. Because most male/female porn is made for the male gaze, fisting seems kind of terrifying. It’s hard, it’s intense, and it can be surprisingly graphic. But I’m here to tell you that in real life, fisting is nothing like it is in porn. Yes, it’s still very intense, but not nearly as graphic and overwhelming. If done safely and correctly, it can be a really beautiful and connecting experience.

For me, fisting is too much penetration. But my partner really likes it, so I’m speaking about this with the authority of someone who’s been the fister, if you will. When we first had the conversation about trying it, I was super nervous. Everything I knew about fisting, I saw in hetero porn, and let me tell you, it’s really scary. Probably because of how utterly over-the-top hetero porn is. It gives you preconceived notions about what it’s all supposed to look like. As a person who needs to do research for everything, I knew there was no way I could perform such an act without careful and diligent research. Because when you’re dealing with a body part as delicate as the vagina, you need to be as prepared as possible. And the only way to be fully prepared is to know as much as you can.

Things To Know Before You Start

You need to make sure you’re prepared. It might take some of the sexiness out of things, but it will go much smoother. Make sure your nails are trimmed and filed. They need to be beyond smooth, or else you can scratch the very sensitive skin inside. Make sure your nails are clean — take the time to really get under them because no one wants your grimy fingers inside of them, trust me. Wearing nail polish? Take it off, especially if there’s glitter involved. If you have long nails, especially the pointy ones, and you don’t want to cut them, you should definitely use a glove.

In addition to your hand maintenance, you’re going to need some supplies. Gloves aren’t mandatory, but some people like them because they make cleanup easier at the end. Personally, I prefer to go in with a (clean, manicured) bare hand because I like being able to feel my way around. You’ll want to make sure you have lube on hand. Depending on how wet your partner (or yourself!) gets, you may not need it. But you need a really slippery space, and lube will help with that. Silicone based lubes are the best, but you can also use a water based lube, no problem. If you’re using a latex glove, you’re going to want to avoid anything oil based. But really, the lube thing is a matter of personal preference. Just don’t use anything with a numbing agent! Multiple doctors say this is a big no.

You Need To Calm Down (And Use Your Words!)

The most important thing you need to know when going into this is, you need to relax. Both of you! Really, it makes a world of difference if you’re in any way hesitant or nervous. For the person receiving, they need to be so insanely relaxed. Because if there’s any sort of tension in their body, it’s going to be hard to get your hand into their vagina. Because of this, you shouldn’t start with fisting. It’s something you need to work up to for the most optimal experience. According to Dr. Jen Mann, making sure your partner is “very aroused before entry is a make-or-break behavioral requirement” for the best experience. If you can get them to orgasm at least once before you begin trying to fist them, that would be perfection.

Communication is key when it comes to fisting. It doesn’t have to be weird or awkward to talk through the experience. If talking during sexy time isn’t really your thing, you may want to try a few times. Keep in mind, you don’t have to say anything overly raunchy or sexual. “Does this feel good?” and “Do you like this?” are great ways to start. Asking with a kind, gentle voice makes your partner feel calm and more open to the experience. Checking in with them throughout is important. Letting them know that they can tell you if something is feeling off or hurts is also important. Remember, this is supposed to feel good. Sometimes I’ll ask my partner if she’s ready before we start. Sometimes she tells me she’s ready before I can ask.

This Isn’t A Race, So Take Your Time

Fisting isn’t something that can be rushed. You need to build up to it. Not just with foreplay, but also going from a couple fingers to a whole hand. It’s not something that can happen instantly. Once you’re both ready to begin fisting, you have to move slowly and with intention. When I’m with my partner, we usually start with two fingers. I use my index and middle fingers first. It’s the most comfortable for my hand. It’s important to not just rush through the insertion of fingers. No one wants you just jamming your fingers in their body all willy nilly. That would be weird and painful and totally ruin your fun. Start slow and enjoy yourself. If your partner doesn’t feel wet enough, grab the lube. Use enough to make things feel slick, but not drippy. Add more as needed. (You may want to grab a towel.)

When you have a good rhythm established with two fingers, check in with your partner. If they haven’t already let you know, ask “are you ready for another finger?” and if they agree, gently add your next fingers. When you get to the thumb, that’s where you have to be extra careful. You want to bring your other fingers close together, putting the index and pinkie fingers over the other two. Your thumb is going to go in between them, like you’re making a duck that’s beak-up. Like this 🤌

Once you’ve got all five fingers in, move them slowly to see what your partner likes best. A simple in and out motion might be preferable, which also can help you get your hand further incrementally. Same thing if you rock it from side to side. If you need to, use your other hand to support your arm.

Make It About Pleasure

Once your whole hand is in there, check in with your partner. Fisting is not only intense physically, but it can be quite emotional. Such an intimate act takes a lot of trust that you never want to break. That’s not to say that you have to be overly tender if that’s not you and your partner’s style. But you want to make sure they’re comfortable and enjoying what’s happening. I talk to my partner throughout, but I can tell by both visual and verbal cues. Also, pay attention to the physical ones. When you’re that deep inside someone’s vagina, you can certainly tell when they’re close to climax. As your partner begins to climax, you’re going to feel a lot of pressure.

When my partner climaxes, it feels like suction has been created around my hand. Even after the climax, it still feels suctioned, so I have to move with caution. There is no sudden movement when you’re that deep inside someone. Ask if your partner is ready and slowly remove your hand. If you have a towel nearby, use it for a quick cleanup. My partner and I tend to have a cuddle afterward because fisting is such an intense experience. It’s nice to have that time to come down together. All the activity may turn you on too, and that’s totally normal. Again, you feel very connected to your partner through such an intimate act. Handle that how you will.

If done correctly, fisting is nothing to be scared of. It may feel overwhelming at first, but as long as you’re both relaxed, it’s actually quite amazing.