Floridians Are Like, REALLY Mad About Having To Wear Masks

by Cassandra Stone
Floridians Are Like, REALLY Mad About Having To Wear Masks

One Florida woman said she ‘doesn’t wear masks’ for the same reason she ‘doesn’t wear underwear’

Ah, Florida. Where Satan-worshipping is behind liberal police-haters conspiring to deprive them of their God-given right to oxygen. Yes, that’s right, many people who live in Palm Beach, Florida, gathered together during a public council meeting to call a mask mandate a “devil’s law” and compared wearing one to Hitler’s persecution of Jews. Don’t believe it? Oh, bet your sweet, Satan-loving a*s there’s a video.

The Palm Beach County board of commissioners were preparing to vote earlier this week on whether to require face masks in public places. And the God-fearing Floridians at this meeting were BIG MAD. Like this woman, who let everyone know she prefers to go commando to properly oxygenate her vagina.

“I don’t wear a mask for the same reason I don’t wear underwear,” she said. “Things got to breathe.” (Someone please tell this woman she can air her shit out down there at night and not in jeans, because yikes.)

Other residents thumped their conspiracy theories harder than their bibles, citing “5G” terrorism and the “plandemic.” Butch Dias, for example wants everyone to know he’s willing to die in order to have the freedom to die of the coronavirus.

“My name is Butch Dias, and I am an American patriot,” he said. “See that flag? I would die for that flag! The Constitution that you are supposed to uphold, I would die for that! You didn’t listen to We the People!”

No, this isn’t an episode of Parks & Rec, though extremely genius Twitter users made that perfect comparison. These are real citizens of Pawnee — oh, I’m sorry, Palm Beach — who donned their red hats and screamed their droplets into a closed indoor space and demanded to be heard.

Another woman summoned God right there at the podium (how many times do you think Jesus has rolled in his tomb during this pandemic? At least a million, right?):

“Hey, good morning. Let me ask you all: Do you believe you’re God?” she asked. “Do you believe you can override God’s divine plan for our lives? Do you believe God gave us life and God takes away our life? Well, if you answer yes to all these questions, who gives you the right to choose how we live our lives? I choose faith over fear every day. You’re not God, and since masks are harmful, where there is risk there should be choice.”

Hmm. No word yet on if this woman has ever been treated for an infection at any point in her life or been the recipient of non-God-made medicine.

Another woman stepped up to express her displeasure with government officials trying to keep her safe and healthy by compromising our not-at-all compromised CO2 levels. “And they want to throw God’s wonderful breathing system out the door,” she said. “You’re all turning your backs on it. Can you prove that it’s good for people to breathe carbon dioxide over and over and over again? God made it so that we would breathe in fresh oxygen, to go to our body, to every cell in the body. It has to have that to make energy. When you wear a mask, the nose is cut off, the mouth is cut off.”

The. Nose. Is. Cut. Off.

“It is appalling that each and every one of you sitting up there as human beings, part of the human race, the only race that we have, would suggest to muffle people, to put masks on your face to keep us from breathing oxygen, to get us to become sickly,” another woman argued, citing propaganda resources for the criminally dumb. “There’s not enough [COVID] to make it a pandemic. This is a planned-demic.”

Sadly for these privileged Palm Beach-ians, commissioners voted unanimously in favor of making masks mandatory in public places. The entire vote took less than a minute.

But cheers to these folks, who, if nothing else, have more confidence in their utterly selfish dumbassery than anyone else does about anything on the planet.