The world can feel like a very scary place during flu season. Armed with only bleach wipes and hand sanitizer, you may glare daggers when strangers sneeze in your kids’ direction, or look at people in horror if they think you are actually going to shake their hand.
I don’t believe that anybody washes their hands like they should, so I’ve been known to yell “people put their poop hands on that!” at my children when they touch any public surface. Or just, “POOP HANDS!” for short.
Yes, I’m that lady yelling poop hands in Target.
No matter what precautions you take, the flu shots, the cart wipes, the vats of Purell – kids are disgusting little germ magnets and the flu can happen even to the vigilant.
If it happens to you, here are some things that will help you get through this year’s flu season.
You probably won’t be looking as happy as this lady does, but at least you’ll be warm when those feverish chills seep into your bones.
If you’ve got a little one, this is the peace of mind you need in order to get some sleep yourself. This monitor tracks your baby’s heart rate and oxygen levels so that you don’t have to stand over them like a creeper all night.
Really, you can use this sleep mask for any old occasion. But I think if you wear it when you have the flu, it’s especially fitting.
Because your mom (probably) doesn’t live with you anymore.
5. Lip balm
For those cracked and peeling lips. If you care about them between all the barfing.
So you can keep obsessively monitoring everyone’s temperature like I do.
It’s super important to stay hydrated while you have the flu. And you can use this so you don’t have to get up.
I think I’m just going to start wearing these from October to March from now on.
I mean if you feel like shit, you might as well look like shit.
10. This tea to make yourself feel better.
I don’t know if this works or not, but it’s clever.
11. This mug for all of that tea you will be drinking.
You can wear your “fuck off” eye mask and drink from a “nope” cup just so everyone is super sure how you feel about being sick.
Buy all the Kleenex. You’re going to need it.
Get this stuff in bulk. I was once the sole person in my family that didn’t have the flu and I wiped every surface with these things about ten times.
I didn’t get the flu, just sayin’.
14. Books on tape
Because your eyes are too tired to read or look at the TV-maybe you can lull yourself into a better place with some audiobooks.
The air is dry and filled with nastiness so pump in some cool fresh air with this humidifier.
16. Gas Mask
And here you go — this is for if you’re really serious about avoiding the flu virus. I think that with this, my rubber gloves, a pocket full of antibacterial wipes, I’m going to be all set going into public for the next couple of months. Don’t judge.
Good luck out there, thankfully Spring is just around the corner. Let’s all keep ourselves and our families safe from these nasty viruses that are going around in the meantime. And if I hear you yelling “poop hands” in aisle ten I’ll give you a long-distance fist bump in solidarity.