From The Confessional: COVID-19 vs. Relationships
Well, that’s a harsh opener, but it’s the reality for many as we are facing the truth about our relationships right now. Remember that whole “for better or worse” bit? Well, we’re in the thick of the worst. And if your SO isn’t abiding by social distancing rules, we can understand you having that sentiment. Dude, stay the fuck home.
“My husband STILL thinks the coronavirus is a hoax.”
“I KNEW men would continue to be the same lazy, entitled, useless fucks they always were before the pandemic. I KNEW it.”
“H doesn’t understand the 6ft rule. Ugh if you hear of a woman’s head spontaneously exploding it was me explaining it for the billionth time in 4 wks”
Others, on the other hand, are loving having their partners around. Like reeeeeeally loving it.
“DH has been working out. He’s so sexy I can’t stand it. He doesn’t know this but sometimes at night while he’s dead to the world and snoring, I pull the sheets back and just admire his naked body. I feel like such a perve but he’s so hot I can’t help it.”
“DH stopped shaving while stuck at home. I threatened to stop too if he didn’t shave. He didn’t, so I stopped. We were surprised that the sex has gotten a LOT better – turns out we both have a previously unknown thing for hairy humping.”
“DH asked what I want for Easter since he couldn’t get chocolate. I asked for an orgasm. So far he’s given me six. Can’t brag to bff as normal because she’s having issues with her DH, so here I am screaming into the void that my H is The Wizard of Oral.”
Lots of confessions speak to one unifying frustration: We need a break from our husbands, or at least for them to step up.
“Yes please keep explaining how I need to do things and when I begin to explain why I’m doing them a different way he shuts down. Like how to find a job or help kids with schoolwork. YOU pissed ME off by telling me what to do, not the other way around!”
“Kinda happy H’s place of employment closed due to the virus for now. Only because I don’t have to spend hours hearing him bitch about his job and coworkers”
“I’m tired of my needy as fuck husband. This virus has got to show us how little clue men have into what has to be done daily.”
A silver lining, however, is that many of us have had to accept that our SOs were right all along—about how hard they work and about what a bitch parenting is, among other things. Having to say “You were right” isn’t easy, but it can save a marriage!
“I’m a stay at home mom. I don’t get to do much except clean, cook, & homeschool my kids. We’ve been stuck in the house for 2 weeks and my husband is now acting like he’s depressed, stuck and annoyed with the situation. Now he knows what it’s like!!”
“A week into staying home and my husband is stunned by what goes on in our house everyday. He has to take breaks because he is so overwhelmed with the level of activity. He has also gone semi-feral and makes a fire everyday. The rest of April should be interesting.”
“Well, now I can see how I’m the asshole for being angry that my husband made us move from an 800 sq ft NYC apt to a 4000 sq ft house on an acre. But like…only during a pandemic is he right.”
Hell no. Time to bounce on that fucker the second you can open the front door.
“If my husband survives this pandemic without me locking him out of the house for the virus to get him it’ll be a goddamn miracle.”
“I’ve told my husband 1000 times that if he didn’t start paying attention to me and having sex with me I was going to divorce him… guess what asshole as soon as I can get out of this house, I AM!!!!”
“The more time I spend with DH, the more I realize I’m just here to keep things running and service him. Wish I had the guts to leave. He would do everything in his power to turn the kids against me.”
On the other hand, this pandemic has made many of us appreciate our partners in ways we never have before. Thanks, coronavirus, for that at least.
“My husband just went to Costco for me and it felt like I was sending him off to war.”
“Praying like HELL that my husbands job gets shut down this week. Fuck the bills, we need him alive!”
“My husband is immunocompromised and has to go to the hospital today to get the monthly treatment that keeps him healthy. Please pray he stays safe and doesn’t get exposed.”
It’s no secret that quarantining and fearing all that COVID-19 entails is taking its toll on relationships right now. Some of us are enjoying the forced togetherness (hello day sex!), while others are brainstorming how to build a she-shed in the backyard with eleven locks on the door.
This is a true relationship test—is it going to make or break you?
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