From The Confessional: People Are Using COVID To Get Out Of A Sh*t-Ton Of Stuff

If there’s ever a year to really need a silver lining in all the muck we’re wading through, it’s 2020. So here it is, folks. Sure, we can’t do the things we want to do, like take those dream vacas or see Grandma on Christmas or even grab coffee with a friend. But, what we can revel in is this: COVID-19 means we can get out of a shit-ton of stupid things we always felt obligated to do before, but hated. Like participating in your MIL’s annual cookie swap or going to a MLM party at your neighbor’s house and buying $100 face cream that’s supposed to make your skin feel smooth but really just burns your face off.

And, after years of traveling or hosting and running yourself ragged only to spend the holidays with your drunk, bitter old Uncle Ed, this year you get to stay home and lounge around in your pjs. Maybe you can get away with a quick obligatory FaceTime chat, but you won’t even need to put on real pants.

That’s how we’ll ride out this never-ending tornado of shit, friends. By using this pandemic as an excuse to get out of stuff and making it work for our own benefit. Because if COVID-19 is going to take away my long-awaited 40th birthday bash, then it’s going to get me out of other stuff too—like having to make small talk at my husband’s work holiday party. Sorry! Can’t come! Feeling “sick”! Have fun listening to Don from payroll talk about his cats!

Listen, we’re supposed to stay home. We aren’t supposed to host big family gatherings. So this is THE year, friends. The year we don’t have to watch our cousin’s bratty kids spill milk on our new rug while their mom gets drunk and pretends they’re not hers. The year we don’t have to open the 11th salt and pepper shaker set from Aunt MaryEllen and pretend to like it. The year we don’t have to force down bites of Grandma’s burnt rhubarb pie.

So enjoy it. Have the holiday you’ve always dreamed of—at home, braless, watching movies, while your kids play with their new toys and zone out on screens. See ya next year, Uncle Ed.

For many of us, COVID finally has given us a pass to be the anti-social introverts we’ve always wanted to be. No kids’ holiday parties? No neighborhood holiday open houses? No annoying friends badgering us for a coffee date so they can whine about how hard their life is as they sit there, tan, fresh off the plane from a trip to Hawaii?

Yessssss. Sorry, annoying world we can’t stand, but it’s a pandemic year, so we’ll have to decline. WITH FUCKING GLEE.

And, another good thing about 2020 is getting a break from toxic people. (Or people who just annoy TF out of us. Sometimes we’re married to that person.) But again, you’ve got a built-in excuse this year. If you’ve itching to cut off an annoying friend and you just found out she’s anti-mask, boom. There you have it. Buh-bye, Jennifer.

And, we can use COVID as an excuse to get out of annoying shit like camping. Who TF wants to go camping? Literally no one. And now you don’t have to! Just give a little cough-cough and oops! Looks like you can’t go. DARN. Or shaving and waxing. Can’t get to the groomer because of COVID, so looks like we all just have to live as hairy beasts. Oh well. We’ll be warmer this way, we’ll save money, and our husbands will stay TF away from our asses. #winning.

So yes, this years sucks horribly. We miss our family and friends and concerts and festivals. Our kids want to go back to school and we want a damn minute of quiet to ourselves. But we can’t be stupid. We need to stay masked up and socially distanced and continue to fight the good fight as we ride this thing out.

Not having to go to a MLM party where you feel obligated to buy hideous leggings is just an added bonus.