From The Confessional: We'll Get By With A Little Help From Our (Battery-Operated) Friends

by Team Scary Mommy
Ashley Armitage/Refinery29/Getty

The silver lining (if you reeeeeally look for it) of this shit show pandemic is that it’s made us realize what we’re really grateful for. Like our health, for example. And toilet paper. Also takeout and delivery service (thank you, thank you, thank you delivery service workers!)

And another thing I’ve certainly gained a new appreciation for—after being stuck in my house with a slew of kids up my asscrack every waking hour of every day for a year—is anything that gets me a little me-time, and little stress-relief, and a little happiness. Sometimes that’s a long, hot shower. Or a glass or two of wine. Or a little alone time with my vibrator. Or the triple threat—a glass of wine, followed by a long, hot shower, with my (waterproof!) vibrator. Mmmhmm. That’s the stuff.

Our confessional is chock full of women just like me who can appreciate a good O and just need the help of a good friend (mine is purple) to get there.

DH has become so lazy and boring in bed that I'd rather just use my vibrator and fantasize about my romance book characters.

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I see why older women all have vibrators. My arthritis in my hands hurts so bad I have to use one to get myself off which is my only choice bc H doesn't.

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H used to be a sexy lover, now he's corny with his goofy comments and fumbling moves. WTF! Takes me forever to get turned on, thankful for my vibrator. Seriously STFU!

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Let’s be honest, sex can get boring. We’re getting older. Our partners are getting older. Our needs change, our bodies change, and therefore, our means to reaching the endgame change.

I bought my first sex toy today on impulse. A bullet vibrator. My husband and I are now on antidepressants and he has no interest anymore but I still do a bit but its tricky on my own. Anyway there's no one I could tell and I wanted to tell someone :)

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I’m 40 & just bought my first vibrator. SO excited! Now I’m not relying on my low sex drive H who acts like he doesn’t have a dick! Taking my satisfaction into my own hands! I feel so damn liberated!

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DH forgot two of my last three birthdays. This year, I'm buying myself a clit-sucking vibrator for my birthday. On his credit card.

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had a great mellow holiday. now when dh takes his weekend trip to pick up a useless car tommorrow, i will have 3 nights to myself and my vibrator. merry xmas to me.

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Whether it’s your birthday, or Christmas, or just a Tuesday, don’t hesitate to treat yo-self to a new toy. Happy Merry Birthday-Mas. You deserve it.

I really, REALLY need to have quality time with my vibrator. Kinda hard to do that when we’re all living on top of each other due to COVID. I don’t even want sex, just an hour home by myself to take care of my needs.

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Wish I could tell my son to stop stealing my vibrator, but he's to young to even know what that is. Fml

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Single working mom, weekends go so fast Sunday I have to clean finally relaxing hitting vape watching porn then DS9 comes in crying bcuz he’s thinking about me dying. I comforted him but damn kid messing with vibe lmao vibrator is all I got right now

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I really want to go upstairs and use my vibrator and watch some porn but idk if my kids would leave me alone long enough for me to get off

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We’ve all heard about kids being “cock-blockers” but what if there’s no cock involved and they’re just interrupting vibration station? Clit-cancellers? WAP-repellers? Whatever you want to call them, kids are really good at ruining Mommy-time, aren’t they?

I just took the batteries out of the thermometer so I could put them into my vibrator for some lunch time me time. Sorry, not sorry, I needed that.

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Booked a hotel for myself. Just me, a bottle (or two) of wine, several extremely trashy movies, and my favourite vibrator. Fuck everyone else and all their noise and issues, I'm having a well deserved night to myself!!!

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H has to go in to the office for the first time in over a month. Hallelujah, I can get some quality time in with my vibrator before the kids wake up!

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Home alone after DH took the kids on a camping trip...cue the lesbian porn, my vibrator, and multiple orgasms tonight!

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Booked a hotel room for myself tonight just to have some peace. Lying starfished in a giant bed with wine, cake, my favourite vibrator and absolute silence, so so worth the money. I love my family to death but me time is essential to my sanity!

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Some good of fashioned alone time with your fave toy is true self-care. If you can score 10 minutes alone or a weekend by yourself in a hotel room, take it and don’t look back. Just make sure to bring backup batteries for that (literal) sucker!

Whether you’re just jumping into the vibrating world for the first time, or you’ve got an arsenal lined up on your dresser that’s three rows deep, you deserve time to relax, recharge, feel the good vibrations, and take care of you. They say a dog is man’s best friend, but we know what a woman’s is. Get yours.