Parenting and alcohol. They go together like peas and carrots. If you enjoyed the occasional wine or beer before having kids, chances are you
need love it now. There’s something about knowing that little reward is waiting for you after getting your kids to sleep. When you’ve endured a long day of hearing your 4-year-old scream about losing her asparagus Shopkin, a goblet of cheap red wine from Trader Joe’s can taste like the finest vintage from the south of France.
If you’re a parent and don’t drink, hats off to you. Truly. You’re like a unicorn. For those of us that do, the funny parents of Twitter get it. Whether it’s wine to help you stay mellow while dealing with your kid’s homework or a few beers to get through a kiddie birthday party, these hilarious parenting tweets about drinking will speak to you.
1. Your kid’s school would be a palace.
If they’d put the damn box tops on wine boxes, every school would have a heliport by now.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 4, 2015
Get it together, Box Tops for Education. Putting Box Tops on wine boxes would be the fund-raiser to end all fund-raisers. We could have a Jacuzzi in every teacher’s lounge and serve foie gras and lobster risotto in the school cafeteria. Think big. The sky would literally be the limit.
2. Watch it, little buddy.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!” – My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 2, 2014
“Momma? There’s the wine store! Don’t you need more because you drank it all?” No one can bring on the alcohol guilt and shame like kids. They say whatever they’re thinking and force you to see the truth. Is daddy drinking too many beers? Maybe. Is it in your best interest to pipe down about it? Always.
3. Might as well be real.
I guess sending school paperwork back with wine stains may not send the right message. Then again it may send EXACTLY the right message.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) September 7, 2015
Let your true colors shine through on those school forms. Merlot, chardonnay, cabernet — all the colors in the parenting rainbow.
4. The only way to get through those meetings.
*slams down beer* I’m out of order? You’re out of order! THIS WHOLE PTA MEETING IS OUT OF ORDER!!
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 24, 2015
The Parent Teacher Association? More like the Pain In The Ass. As Susie the President drones on about playground fundraisers, a nice cold beer would make the whole thing a lot more palatable. Don’t even try to say you’ve never thought about it.
5. It should be an Olympic event.
Parenting is all about balance especially when you’re chasing them with a full glass of wine in your hand.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 20, 2015
This is the ultimate parenting challenge — how far can you chase a sprinting toddler at an outdoor concert with a full glass of wine in your hand? There should be a medal for the successful completion of this feat, honestly.
6. Common Core math homework should come with a 1.5 liter.
Fun fact: There is a direct correlation between Common Core Math & wine sales trending upward.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 13, 2015
Ralphie ate two apples. Jenny ate six. There’s a train coming at half past three at 60 mph and now Jenny is eating another apple and mommy needs more pinot. Is there anything more worthy of an accompanying drink than Common Core math homework? The answer to that is a resounding, no sir. It is the actual worst.
7. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…is that how many kids I have?
This margarita tastes like I don’t even have kids.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 1, 2014
Margarita so good you can briefly imagine you’re still young and free of any real responsibility. We love our kids but the occasional break from reality is never a bad thing. Tequila is a good facilitator for conjuring up that feeling.
8. Them’s the rules.
Preschool birthday party rules: Year 1: We go to everything Year 2: We only go to parties that had beer in year 1.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) February 22, 2014
At first, I felt a bit weird having so much wine and beer at our daughter’s first birthday party, but the grateful faces of the other parents attending told me I was very much in the right. How else to tolerate Elmo-colored fondant and endless tears over popped balloons? Serve alcohol at your kid’s parties or suffer a drop in parental attendance.
9. Sounds pretty balanced, to be honest.
All I’ve had today is cold coffee, applesauce, Cheezits, fruit snacks, and wine. Why yes, I have kids. How did you know?
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) September 30, 2015
Fruit? Good. Caffeine? Good. Wine? Great. It might be cliche, but you’re lying if you say this has never been your diet for at least one or two difficult days. 10. Adele needs to record this.
🎶Hello from the mother side, I must’ve drank a thousand wines. But I’m not sorry, I could drink more. I have 3 kids, and the oldest is 4.🎶
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) December 13, 2015
Three kids under four? Allow us to foot your wine bill for the next 10 years.