Before you had kids, Valentine’s Day was a fun holiday for you and your partner, full of sexy surprises. Or at the very least, a restaurant meal where no one needed their food cut up or help wiping their butt.
Those days are long gone now that you have kids and unless you want to shell out money for a babysitter and an expensive Valentine pris fixe menu served by a bitter waiter who would rather be with his girlfriend, you’re probably not planning on anything terribly romantic. And that’s fitting, because your kids are center stage now with the Valentine’s shenanigans.
After all, they’ll have the class party, where you probably have to send in a treat. They’ll need to (painstakingly) fill out cards for the whole class and you’ll be stuck at the kitchen table for what feels like eternity while they write out every. last. one. The party’s over. And these funny parenting tweets capture exactly how it goes when you celebrate Valentine’s Day with kids.
1. Because, let’s be real.
For extra romance this Valentine's Day, close the bedroom door so the kids don't see you longingly staring into your phones.
— (leans into mic) Meh (@TheAlexNevil) February 10, 2016
Once you get that quiet time without the kids, what’s your first move? To check your phones, of course. Nothing more romantic than the glow of the screen illuminating your true love’s face.
2. It’s all about them now.
Woman at the sex shop asked if I was ready for Valentine's day. Well, my kid's cards for his friends and teachers aren't done yet, so no.
— JüJü Bee (@perhapssomeday) February 5, 2016
This is our Valentine to-do list now. It used to involve chocolate-covered strawberries, new lingerie and an exciting evening. Now, it’s time for your kid to profess his love for his entire class with a box full of SpongeBob lollipop cards. Sexy.
3. You’re doing them all a favor.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) February 11, 2015
These couples should be buying you dinner, really. You’re providing a helpful service to humanity. Like a walking, talking, whining, food-spilling PSA.
4. We’ll never learn.
I'm glad I spent all that time and money on Valentine's Day gifts for my son and husband, who opened them and then went "huh. thanks" *toss*
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) February 14, 2015
We probably need to accept once and for all that men and boys don’t care about this holiday the way some of us women do. For the most part, they literally don’t give a shit.
5. The best part of parenting.
I'm currently eating the rest of my 6yos' Christmas candy to make room for all the Valentine's candy they will get this week.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) February 8, 2016
Your kids are walking candy magnets. Easter, Halloween, Christmas and hell yes — Valentine’s Day. They bring home quite the windfall and it’s your privilege — nay, your duty — to consume most of it. You don’t want them rotting their teeth and eating too much sugar. Heavens no. You’re doing the right thing.
6. Didn’t we just finish last year’s?
A parents elementary school Valentine checklist
-cards for class
-a decorated shoebox
-wine, so you can help your kid sign the cards
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 6, 2016
If you ever have a need to actually stop time, have your kindergartner carefully print out his own name 22 times. And then, the names of his 22 classmates. It will feel like 17 years has passed once he’s finished and that’s assuming he doesn’t have a fit partway through leaving you to do it all.
7. Tis the season!
My 5yo included a little something special with each Valentine she signed…
Germs. Because she coughed on every single one of them.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) February 9, 2016
It’s kind of ironic that a holiday centered around love and affection is smack dab in the middle of winter and flu season. Coughing is pretty much the background music of most elementary school classrooms this time of year, so expect a bunch of germs to be attached to every single treat and card your kid brings home. And get out the Clorox wipes.
8. Seriously. Why?
When making Valentines for preschoolers, is it ok to address them all to "Tiny Satan" since the kids can't read? Asking for myself.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) February 11, 2016
Preschool Valentine exchanges? What fresh hell is this? They can’t read. They can barely write. Might as well have some fun with it.
9. Get ready to be up until at least 11pm.
Me: "Who was your Valentine, buddy?"
3yo, covered in Avengers tattoos, 4 Jolly Ranchers in his mouth, crazed look in his eye: "Everyone."
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) February 10, 2016
You’ve finally recovered from the sugar crashes resulting from Halloween and Christmas and now, this? Pry the last of the candies from those sticky little fingers and gird your loins — it’s gonna be a long night.
10. When he cares enough to get the very best.
[at the grocery store]
Me: *grabs box of wine*
Wife: Seriously? It's Valentine's Day.
Me: *grabs bigger box of wine*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2015
And after suffering through making this romantic holiday special for your small children, there’s only one thing left to do. Hopefully, one of you thought ahead and made the most important purchase of the season.