Then, there are the endless stories, requests for “one more drink,” multiple bathroom trips, monsters in the closet, a wrinkle in their sheets, wanting to know whether Jon Snow is alive (ok, fine, that one’s me) — the reasons to delay going to sleep are seemingly endless. Luckily, so are the jokes the funny parents of Twitter make about the absolute bullshit of bedtime with little kids.
1. A story? How ’bout a sentence?
Sure, sometimes, reading to your child at bedtime can be a lovely bonding experience. But more often than not, the story requests are simply the final insult in a long evening spent trying to get your kid to go the fuck to sleep.
2. That’s literally it.
We ask for so little. Just let us have our god damn snacks, kids.
3. The final insult.
Oh, you thought you were going to binge-watch Orphan Black tonight? You’re hilarious. First, you need to go on a fucking scavenger hunt through the playroom and the remote will be in the literal last place you think to look. Cozied up to four passed-out Monster High dolls in the far recesses of a doll house you haven’t seen your kids touch in six months. Mocking you.
4. It’s a long road to acceptance.
You probably spend the most time each evening in the bargaining stage, but depression and acceptance take up a good chunk too. Hang in there.
5. No one comes out a winner.
Getting started with bedtime is undoubtedly the hardest part. It’s the worst Mexican standoff you will ever participate in. No one will budge. Until some awful event (aka, life-shaking tantrum from an over-tired toddler) forces it to happen.
6. So many prizes!
I will dress up as a Slutty Banana if it means getting my kids to bed in a timely fashion. I have literally no shame and nothing to lose.
7. LOL forever.
You are an adorable, naive and innocent unicorn if you think putting your kid to bed later will equal more sleep. Sorry, but I’m lol-ing at you so loud right now. Your faith is precious.
8. Spoiler alert: it’s never important.
They will retell the story of the creation of the universe if it means staying up just a little bit later. It’s science.
9. The actual Neverending Story.
Seriously, Cat in the Hat is like 400 fucking pages. Dr. Seuss had a cruel sense of humor. God rest his soul.
10. Lucifer goes to Little Gym.
It’s said that Hell is repetition. Hmmm…..
11. It’s the gritted teeth that really make it.
“I love you, please go to sleep!” she said, while summoning all her strength not to punch a wall. Wash. Rinse. Repeat 47 times each night.
12. And around and around it goes.
Good luck tonight!
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