Women trying to sell things to other women is as old as Avon and Tupperware. Only in the digital age, Momtrepreneurs (oh God, that word) have the power of the internet and the ease of smartphones to push their wares on unsuspecting high school classmates they haven’t spoken to in 10 years. From leggings to bath products to essential oils to weight loss shakes, there’s a direct sales business for just about everything. And no shortage of eager women trying to change your life by selling it to you.
Direct marketing is a touchy subject; of course, us moms want to support our friends in their quest to make extra money or have something going on outside of their role as a parent or build some #girlboss empire from the comfort of their home. What we don’t want is to be pushed, prodded and guilted into buying things we don’t want or need for prices that make our credit cards recoil in horror. There’s definitely a balance, but for the times where it goes awry, the funny parents of Twitter are here to make you giggle about what it’s like when your friends try to sell you shit on Facebook.
1. Real talk.
Ok, I’ll come to your “party” and buy some stuff I don’t want, but it’s only because as a mom, this is as close to me-time as I get.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 4, 2017
As long as there’s no purchase requirement, those handbag and body wrap parties can be an excuse to miss the bedtime bullshit. Sip away and nod politely during the pitch. This is “you” time.
2. Shut up and take our money.
Waiting for high school friends to start selling something I could actually use. Like naps. Or babysitters.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 3, 2017
The last thing most of us moms need is more stuff in our house, but we could all use more rest and free time. Direct sell us two hours of sleep on a Tuesday afternoon. We’ll buy a dozen.
NO I DONT WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFE W UR ADVOCARE SHAKEOLOGY BEACHBODY PYRAMID SCHEMES
My life is already brimming w/annoying bullshit thanks
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) February 18, 2015
Sometimes, change isn’t good. Our lives are just fine the way they are, already full of commitments and things that force us to wear real pants.
4. No thank you, please.
YES, woman I kind of knew in high school.
I’ll buy my toddler pricey clothes she can poop through and leggings for me she can poop on.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) January 3, 2017
Or, just get them for like, $5 from Target because, poop.
5. The original pyramid scheme.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 12, 2016
It makes sense, really. She was a stay-at-home mom down on her luck. The three wise men had the answer to her problems.
6. Don’t encourage them.
PSA: Being allowed to sell crappy lemonade as a child is positively correlated to selling face cream and leggings on Facebook in adulthood.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) April 18, 2016
Keep in mind as your kid shills their watered-down lemonade that you’re only setting them up to think everyone will want to hear about the seaweed body wraps they’re pushing on Facebook friends 20 years later.
7. Eye roll.
“Your vaccines have no power here!” she cackled, throwing down an essential oils vial, disappearing into a cloud of lavender and eucalyptus
— Dr. Scorrin (@Dr_Scorrin) January 3, 2017
If you tell us it’s to make the bathroom smell a little less like farts, fine. But please don’t convince your mom friends that essential oils will clear up chicken pox. Everyone will think you’re a little nuts. And they would be right.
8. The best defense is a good offense.
I box & take martial arts classes mainly to ward off women trying to sell me leggings & weight loss shakes.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 6, 2016
Have you met some of these women? They don’t take no for an answer. Perfecting my roundhouse kick is just survival at this point.
9. We’re all cringing, Linda.
Please stop calling this your “journey” Linda. You are selling leggings on Facebook
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) November 3, 2016
Seriously, Linda. Just….stop.
10. We see you.
FACEBOOK FRIEND I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO IN 4 YEARS:
hey girl! how are you?!
ME: this feels like a trap
HER: lol! have you heard about Beach Body
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) December 2, 2016
That’s because it is a trap. Run.
11. Let us introduce you to our friend Prime.
Do people who sell oils/leggings/makeup/dishes not know about Target and Amazon or..?
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) January 3, 2017
It’s hard to understand in the age of Target and 2-day shipping why any of us would want to compete on Facebook with 300 other women to buy a pair of doggie paw print leggings before they run out. We’re going to need pie charts or something.
12. How about no.
I’m convinced that if these ladies could see the chaos that is the floor of my car, I’d get fewer sales pitches for monogrammed tote bags.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) January 3, 2017
Let’s be real — that monogrammed bag will just end up at the bottom of the shit pile in your Honda CR-V. You’re not a monogrammed bag kind of girl. Own it.
*Clicks yes to high school friend’s FB request*
*Instantly receives invitation to LulaRoe, Essential Oil, Jamberry, Shakeology party*
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) January 3, 2017
Be careful out there, moms!