Happy New Year, parents! It’s that exciting time where some of us set aside the junk food and bad habits and get serious about losing those holiday pounds. Only it’s extra hard. Because we’re parents.
Any exercise we try to do will be thwarted by tiny people begging for attention. If we attempt to eat healthy, we’ll be faced with unfinished plates of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. We’re fucking exhausted just from existing, but now we’re expected to hit the gym five days a week? Moms and dads are automatically set up to fail and no one understands that truth like the funny parents of Twitter.
I don’t know about you guys, but the older I get, the more this happens. At this rate, I should be a size two by age 40.
2. *chomps Doritos*
They literally never stop moving and will think it’s a pretty bracelet, so this is basically a genius plan.
3. Why didn’t we think of this?
That stupid ball. Sitting in the corner of the living room taunting you with how many core exercises you’re not doing. Might as well have a little fun. At your kid’s expense, of course.
4. Shut up, it’s heavy.
Oh, you don’t get winded carrying a shitload of laundry upstairs? Well aren’t you Jillian Michaels.
5. Eye roll.
If you get a chunk of “me time” and go to the gym instead of eating an entire tray of brownies and bingeing on books I’m not sure we’re compatible as friends.
6. So helpful.
Having an audience of tiny people pinching your back fat and asking you questions is fun while you’re sweating like a beast. Not.
7. Stealthy AF.
This absolutely counts as a workout. The stress alone burns calories.
8. Wrap it up.
The only thing more excruciating than a naked septuagenarian telling you about their stretching routine is your naked kid telling you about Pokemon.
9. Diets are hard.
You’ve gotta get in those carbs though, amirite?
Just squeeze the gluts as you bend and this is actually a solid workout because kids leave those fucking wrappers everywhere.
11. Putting on socks is hard, though.
Even in my best shape, socks were still the worst, so this totally counts as cardio.
And you thought that hardcore dude-bro trainer at the YMCA was tough on you. Meet preschoolers.
13. Is it 1000? Please say it’s 1000.
The cute workout clothes definitely up the burn. It’s science.
When all you get are the scraps, you’re bound to drop a few pounds. Grin and bear it through the chunks of backwash.
15. Check it off the list.
Bonus points if you swing your arms a little while sucking it in.
16. My kind of workout.
Every little bit helps. Consume 3000 calories, burn 300. Math.
17. Sounds about right.
Pretty sure my FitBit’s been under one of the seats in my car since last February. Sigh.
18. They never give up.
Throw in a few sit-ups and this is a legitimate power workout. Cardio, strength and core. So complete.
19. Shut it, kid.
They don’t know your struggles. They don’t know that trying to win the prize for your office FitBit step contest is literally the only exciting thing in your life right now.
20. An actual obstacle course.
Good luck out there, parents!
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