It’s that special time of year when parents everywhere spend a shitload of money on a costume their child will wear once before smearing melted chocolate on it (so much for it going in the dress-up bin) and take them around the block until they burst into tears after 20 minutes because their legs are too tired to keep going.
That’s right. It’s Halloween.
While there’s plenty of fun to be had, (hello, stealing your kid’s candy) there’s also some pitfalls. Tantrums over costumes, tantrums over candy, tantrums over…well, everything. But that’s parenting, and no one understands the bullshit better than the funny parents of Twitter.
The only truly scary thing about Halloween is keeping your kids up past bedtime on a school night and giving them extra sugar.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) October 25, 2016
Honestly, why can’t Halloween always be on a Saturday? I feel like we could definitely get teachers on board with lobbying for this calendar adjustment.
2. Sorry, buddy.
Poor kid mistakenly believes he'd rather be a dinosaur for Halloween than someone he's never heard of from this list of pop culture icons.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) September 18, 2017
Oh, you wanted to be a T-rex? Too bad. Mommy has other ideas.
3. DELETE DELETE DELETE.
[frantically trying to free up storage space on my phone as my kid marches by in the school Halloween parade]
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) October 31, 2016
This would be me. And if this isn’t you, we might not get along very well.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 25, 2017
Nothing strikes fear in our hearts quite like the sight of a sweet child carrying that stupid catalogue full of overpriced garbage. Forget murder clowns — this is where the true terror lives.
Carve pumpkins with your kids so you can at least stab something while they complain.
— ☠Mommy Cusses☠ (@mommy_cusses) October 17, 2017
Your kids complain constantly anyway, but at least this time you have a misshapen gourd to take out your aggression on.
6. Every single time.
Don't forget to buy your child's Halloween costume early. This way, you can last-minute shop when they change their mind.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) September 25, 2017
Thank God for Amazon Prime. And wine.
Make Halloween super spooky by abandoning all lawn care in in late June so your home looks like an actual ghost lives there.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 19, 2017
Those super dead flowers in the planters? All natural. Take that, Brenda from next door who has that projector thingie that makes ghosts dance across the front of her house.
My Halloween costume is all the pieces my kids get sick of wearing during trick or treating. This year I was Wizard Baby Archer.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) November 1, 2016
Bonus? No chance you’ll have the same costume as any other mom.
9. Authentic AF.
Make some extra money this Halloween by not cleaning and then charging the neighborhood kids to walk through your "haunted house."
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 20, 2016
Those cobwebs in every corner didn’t come from the Target Dollar Spot. You didn’t come to play, you came to slay.
Have kids so you can steal their Halloween candy or don't have kids and buy Halloween candy with all the money you save from not having kids
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 10, 2016
Wish someone had pointed this out to me back in 2007. Just kidding. Like 98% kidding.
11. Dear God no.
Want to be scared this Halloween?
Sure, you COULD visit a haunted house, OR you could volunteer to help with the kindergarten class party.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 31, 2016
Your eyes will behold horrors you simply won’t ever unsee. Sidebar: teachers deserve $1 million a year.
12. Take that, Frankenstein.
It took 9 months of pregnancy and a few years of rearing, but my Halloween candy capturing creation is finally ready.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) November 1, 2016
Stick them all adorably costumed in a wagon and go collect your due. You’ve earned it.
13. It doesn’t get any hotter.
This Halloween, I'm going as a Sexy Parent, which is just a parent who took a shower, got dressed, and is nowhere near any children.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 17, 2017
Happy Halloween, parents!