Kids are always expensive and us parents are often broke, and we’re never more harshly reminded of this truth than during the holidays. In case you have any money left, here comes Santa Claus to steal your last remaining Benjamins.
Because ’tis the season to jack up your credit card bills! This month, on top of all the food you buy that no one eats and diapers so your child can literally shit on your dollars, you also have to buy presents. And Christmas program costumes. And donate to the school charity drive. And get teacher gifts. And buy food for Christmas dinner (that your kids still won’t eat). It’s a never-ending list of reasons to part with your paycheck and though it’s all for a good cause, it’s still tough to manage. Having kids means so many more reasons to spend. Thankfully, the funny parents of Twitter understand all too well what it’s like to have kids and by extension, no money.
1. It’s only fair.
By this rule, Hatchimals should be no more than $4. Sorry, not sorry.
2. We need to become babysitters.
We don’t begrudge them their high fees because we want our kids well taken care of, but nothing makes a parent more broke than daycare and date night babysitters. Sorry, kids. Something has to give.
3. Kicking it old school.
If it was good enough for our Lord and Savior, it’s good enough for our kids. Just find an MLM essential oil-selling mom and make her damn day.
4. Believing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
If only you could just explain to them that Santa doesn’t make the fucking Hatchimals and the people reselling them are being total dicks about it.
5. Oh, December.
December is the month where you’re just waiting for the ATM to literally lol as you try to take out cash. Why are kids so freaking expensive, Santa? Why?
You want to make it magical, but also, to pay your mortgage on time. The most wonderful time of the year, my ass.
7. Screw full-price.
In this age of abundant Kohl’s cash, there’s no reason in the world to pay full price. Unless you need a Hatchimal. Then, prepare to sell a kidney.
That’s one way to not have a cavalcade of bills in January. A savage way.
9. There’s no bigger waste.
Just wrap up your shitty, cracked iPad that shuts itself off after 20 minutes and say Santa brought it. Done dinner.
10. In summation…
Only a Vegas bender could blow through your money faster than parenthood. But we wouldn’t have it any other way.
This article was originally published on