First comes parenthood, then comes Pinterest. If you didn’t become addicted to the social media site that makes everyone feel inadequate while planning your wedding, you’ll definitely climb aboard once you have kids. Because as the inimitable Mary Poppins says, “in every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.” Only with Pinterest, that job is something previously basic that’s been made beyond complicated, and that element is usually glitter.
If you thought you were killing it as a parent, allow Pinterest to deflate your balloon. Oh, you just stuck a plain dollar bill under your kid’s pillow when she lost her first tooth? Too bad you didn’t make a dollar bill origami flower with a quarter nestled inside. You gave your kids frozen pancakes this morning without one hint of whimsy? FOR SHAME. Pinterest can make you feel even worse about your parenting style and game than you already do, and the funny parents of Twitter feel your pain.
1. Face facts.
So many cool crafts involving wine bottles. It’s like Pinterest knows its primary audience is strung out moms glugging cabernet.
2. Something for everyone!
The ancient demons might come in handy if you need help getting your kids to go to bed.
3. Ugh. Mason jars.
Real talk? Ya’ll need to CTFD with the mason jars. There are other container choices. Step away from the mason jars. Try those cute Chinese food containers instead.
4. Just doing a little research.
The irony of spending hours searching out clever cleaning hacks on Pinterest is that fact that you could’ve spent those hours cleaning the old-fashioned way. Whatever. We won’t be deterred.
5. It’s not just for moms.
Don’t let your husband near Pinterest or else you’ll both be sucked in and your kids will have to learn to survive on their own. Inside of your chevron-patterned house made of mason jars, of course.
6. Let’s consult an attorney.
Imagine getting recompense for all that time lost to scrolling ombre hairstyles and penguin manicures. Then you can live off your millions and, I don’t know, keep scrolling Pinterest?
7. Sounds about right.
You think you’re patient? Follow a Pinterest “easy” craft tutorial. This is fake news. There’s literally no such thing.
8. Step away from the watermelon carved into a dinosaur shape.
Maybe he doesn’t want a cake made to look like a LEGO version of the millennium falcon. Maybe he just wants….a god damn cake.
9. Reduce, reuse, bang your head against a wall.
Before Pinterest, you had no idea how many ways you could “repurpose” toilet paper and paper towel rolls. And now you know. And you can’t un-know. This is where you live now.
10. Seriously, though.
If you have time to make a picture frame entirely out of sliced up wine corks, you can certainly come mop my floor. Chop chop!
11. HOW DOES IT KNOW
It was worth it, though. All the meal plans in the world can’t compare to chicken nuggets. Fuck quinoa.
12. Obviously not.
Repeat after me: there’s no such thing as a “quick and easy” kid craft. Or a kid-friendly recipe. Go home, Pinterest. You’re drunk.
13. It’s the only way.
All food in the Pinterest universe has an element of whimsy. Regular pancakes simply won’t suffice now that you’ve been schooled. Know better, do better.
Ugh, how basic.
Happy pinning, parents!
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