First comes parenthood, then comes Pinterest. If you didn’t become addicted to the social media site that makes everyone feel inadequate while planning your wedding, you’ll definitely climb aboard once you have kids. Because as the inimitable Mary Poppins says, “in every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.” Only with Pinterest, that job is something previously basic that’s been made beyond complicated, and that element is usually glitter.
If you thought you were killing it as a parent, allow Pinterest to deflate your balloon. Oh, you just stuck a plain dollar bill under your kid’s pillow when she lost her first tooth? Too bad you didn’t make a dollar bill origami flower with a quarter nestled inside. You gave your kids frozen pancakes this morning without one hint of whimsy? FOR SHAME. Pinterest can make you feel even worse about your parenting style and game than you already do, and the funny parents of Twitter feel your pain.
1. Face facts.
I keep blaming Pinterest for all the empty wine bottles around, but really, it's my kid's fault.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@MiddlingMs) June 18, 2016
So many cool crafts involving wine bottles. It’s like Pinterest knows its primary audience is strung out moms glugging cabernet.
2. Something for everyone!
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) September 25, 2016
The ancient demons might come in handy if you need help getting your kids to go to bed.
3. Ugh. Mason jars.
A mom on my daughter's softball team found a cute snack idea on Pinterest & now all of the girls have their hands stuck in tiny mason jars.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 5, 2015
Real talk? Ya’ll need to CTFD with the mason jars. There are other container choices. Step away from the mason jars. Try those cute Chinese food containers instead.
4. Just doing a little research.
I think instead of cleaning my house I'll just search Pinterest for 'home organization ideas' until I die.
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) March 11, 2016
The irony of spending hours searching out clever cleaning hacks on Pinterest is that fact that you could’ve spent those hours cleaning the old-fashioned way. Whatever. We won’t be deterred.
5. It’s not just for moms.
I just found Pinterest, so if you need me I'll be over there building a chevron coated beach house out of mason jars and honey
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) March 1, 2015
Don’t let your husband near Pinterest or else you’ll both be sucked in and your kids will have to learn to survive on their own. Inside of your chevron-patterned house made of mason jars, of course.
6. Let’s consult an attorney.
Remember when people were suing McDonald's for their weight problems? Can I sue Pinterest for my life back?
— Sweatpants Cher ⚫️ (@House_Feminist) September 21, 2015
Imagine getting recompense for all that time lost to scrolling ombre hairstyles and penguin manicures. Then you can live off your millions and, I don’t know, keep scrolling Pinterest?
7. Sounds about right.
You think you’re patient? Follow a Pinterest “easy” craft tutorial. This is fake news. There’s literally no such thing.
8. Step away from the watermelon carved into a dinosaur shape.
You might be a parent that has gone Pinterest overboard on birthday party themes if your 7yo just gives up and asks for a "normal birthday."
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 3, 2016
Maybe he doesn’t want a cake made to look like a LEGO version of the millennium falcon. Maybe he just wants….a god damn cake.
9. Reduce, reuse, bang your head against a wall.
It's a good thing Pinterest exists or I might not feel guilty every time I throw away an effing empty toilet paper roll.
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) February 15, 2017
Before Pinterest, you had no idea how many ways you could “repurpose” toilet paper and paper towel rolls. And now you know. And you can’t un-know. This is where you live now.
10. Seriously, though.
Attention moms who have time for Pinterest: I have a project for you.
*Hands you 5 overflowing laundry baskets and a sink full of dishes*
— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) March 3, 2016
If you have time to make a picture frame entirely out of sliced up wine corks, you can certainly come mop my floor. Chop chop!
11. HOW DOES IT KNOW
I took my kid to McDonald’s and now Pinterest won’t let me log in until I agree to plan a month’s worth of healthy meals.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) May 23, 2016
It was worth it, though. All the meal plans in the world can’t compare to chicken nuggets. Fuck quinoa.
12. Obviously not.
Pinterest: Here are 10 kid-friendly recipes and 30 quick and easy rainy day crafts!
Oh, Pinterest, you don't have kids, do you?
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) August 23, 2016
Repeat after me: there’s no such thing as a “quick and easy” kid craft. Or a kid-friendly recipe. Go home, Pinterest. You’re drunk.
13. It’s the only way.
But if you don't put food coloring in your kids' pancakes & stuff them with edible glitter how will they know that you love them?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 14, 2016
All food in the Pinterest universe has an element of whimsy. Regular pancakes simply won’t suffice now that you’ve been schooled. Know better, do better.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013
Ugh, how basic.
Happy pinning, parents!