The Funny Parents Of Twitter On The Hell That Is Flu Season

by Valerie Williams

We’re halfway through flu/garbage virus season. If you’ve somehow made it to the end of February without cleaning up puke puddles, we salute you. We’re also insanely jealous. The fact is, kids are friggin’ disgusting and pretty much covered in germs this time of year. That means tons of illnesses, including for us parents, and they’re all nasty. Welcome to parenting. Hope you enjoy bodily fluids.

Luckily, the funny moms and dads of Twitter are right there with you in the booger and barf-covered trenches, trying to laugh their way through gross, kiddie illness season.

1. Oh no she didn’t.

You know the script. The school nurse calls. Your kid’s a wreck. Fever, listless, wouldn’t eat her lunch. You go pick her up, amid feelings of extreme guilt that you didn’t notice any symptoms that morning, only to have her walk out the school doors like Willy Wonka in that scene with the cane where he makes a sudden “recovery” and does a somersault. This is bullshit.

2. Thanks, guys.

They literally couldn’t care less. Business as usual.

3. A little fear is healthy.

Like, just enough fear to not place their entire palm on the toilet seat at that repulsive rest stop on your way to see grandma. That’s all we need.

4. So this is what it’s come to.

I remember being pregnant with my first kid and sobbing into my latte when a friend told me her only alone time was weekly trips to the grocery store. If only I’d known that along with picking up toilet paper, I’d also look forward to sick days home alone while the kids aren’t around.

5. If only.

It’s worth a shot, though. Maybe one of us is some kind of magical sorcerer. Dream big.

6. It’s a guarantee.

This also applies to holidays, birthdays and when you and your spouse both have big meetings at work that can’t be missed.

7. True story.

When you first have kids, you rise for their every hiccup. Fast-forward several years, and you’re leaving a puke bucket at the side of their bed praying they only wake you if it’s like, a lot of barf.

8. Foolproof.

Funny how all the annoying stories your boss usually likes to tell at the beginning of meetings suddenly aren’t happening when you bring your snot-covered kid along for that big presentation. Oh, it’s also an excellent walking PSA for giving parents more workplace flexibility, just saying.

9. Meh.

I’m currently five days into a suspected sinus infection and have yet to step into a doctor’s office. My kids spike the teeniest of temps and my phone’s already dialing the off-hours pediatrician. Shrug.

10. Worth it.

Bring on all the horrible viruses if it means a kid-free vacation. Because this is who we are now.

11. Silver linings? Sure thing.

All the rules go out the window so you can guiltlessly laze around and give your kids unlimited screen time. After all, they’re sick!

12. It burns.

They puke wherever they happen to be when the urge strikes. That means your washing machine is basically ready to blow a fuse by Virus From Hell Day 3. Pray to the Home Depot gods there isn’t a Day 4, because it won’t hold out and that gorgeous front-loader you’ve been eyeing isn’t on sale right now.

13. #blessed

Stay healthy, parents!