The Funny Parents Of Twitter On The Trouble With Taking Kids Swimming

by Valerie Williams
Originally Published: 

Are you ready to spend a full hour locating bathing suits, towels, flip-flops and snacks, plus another hour slathering sunscreen on every bit of your special snowflake’s delicate flesh only to have them whine that they’re bored after approximately 12 minutes?

Then you’re ready to hit the water!

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Be it pool or beach, there are few things fun about the swimming experience as a parent. Lay back and relax while the kids play? Hardly. Our entire job (when we’re not mediating fights over pool noodles or consoling a preschooler who lost their sand castle to low tide) is to keep them alive. We have to supervise every agonizing second and also, congratulate them on every lame handstand in the shallow end. It’s enough to make us wish it were September again (OK maybe not that desperate, talk to us again at the end of July) but luckily, the funny parents of Twitter totally get it.

1. Truth.

We want the water to touch us but only on our own terms, kid.

2. *grits teeth*

“When can we get out?” – all kids 10 minutes after getting into the pool. Bottom line, it’s going to be a long summer.

3. Zip your lip, neighbor kid.

As far as my kids know, the community pool is closed for maintenance until 2022. Anyone who busts that myth wide open gets more than one punch to several body areas.

4. Time to simplify.

The beach provides a bounty in the way of curiosities for kids. Cigarette butts, empty cans, jagged pieces of broken glass — it’s like Ariel’s collection only with the added risk of contracting hepatitis. Magical!

5. Jesus, take the wheel.

OK parents, a little advice from a mom who’s been around the block a few times — if you get through a whole hour at the pool or beach without your kid saying they have to pee, they’re doing it somewhere else. Good talk.

6. A harrowing experience.

What do you get when you mix a toddler who can’t swim with a giant, sparkling blue pool full of water? Heart-stopping stress and constant panic, that’s what.

7. For once, you’re not in charge.

Let’s also take this time to note that you can use the teen lifeguard as your scapegoat because your kids won’t listen to you, but total strangers hold power. Don’t run or Miss Brittany will kick you out! Mommy loves you!

8. Zen AF.

Why are the bathrooms spaced so far apart, beaches of America? It’s like they want our kids peeing in the ocean. I mean, they are peeing in the ocean. It’s the other thing that we need the bathrooms for and there’s nothing relaxing about hauling a 4-year-old half a mile while he yells BUT I GOTTA POOP NOWWWW.

9. Probably more like 97%.

And 3% refilling our Tervis tumblers with some kind of vodka/Kool-Aid blend.

10. Shrug.

You make one water balloon after another. I’m letting Tampax handle this.

Have fun, parents!

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