It’s the end of the school year. Dun dun DUN. The kids are excited, the parents are a mixture of terrified, over it and exhausted and teachers….well, this is basically their time to shine. And after a long school year, they deserve it.
Of course, summer won’t be all bad. There’s some fun to be had. Oh God, I’m rhyming — maybe I’m already losing my shit. But those final weeks leading up to it can be a special brand of miserable for everyone. Parents are done with the constant homework and lunch packing and fund raisers, but the alternative is entertaining their kids all summer and they’re bored pretty much on day one. These last weeks of school are the ultimate in bittersweet. Luckily, the funny parents of Twitter are right there with you, chugging boxed wine and counting the days until our freedom ends.
1. Do whatever you have to, teachers.
Seriously. No judgments. At all. We really don’t care what you do as long as you keep them alive and out of the house for a few more precious weeks.
I mean, they can’t just LEAVE him there alone. I believe we’ve found a loophole.
3. No wall will save you.
Even the Men of the Night’s Watch would be terrified of what the next two months have in store. All men must die. And all kids must be bored by the end of the first day of summer vacation.
4. Adding insult to injury.
Because the fact that we parents are about to lose our freedom isn’t enough, we’re made to run around like chickens with our heads cut off the last few weeks of school. How many end-of-year celebrations do we need? Isn’t summer vacation celebration enough?
5. Which brings us to theme days.
Oh my god, what the fuck, they want you to dress like a different literary character every day this week? How about no. Just…be clothed. That’s my only trick in May, school.
6. That is a savage move.
The desperation is real. Nothing is too crazy right now. Like, maybe even give the bus driver a lap dance so he’ll keep picking them up all summer and taking them somewhere. Anywhere.
7. The struggle.
Summer. Where the days feel like years. And the minutes feel like hours. No list of activities will ever be enough to get you through. That’s what the wine’s for.
8. *Duct-tapes sneakers together*
There’s no point in buying them decent school clothes for only a few more weeks of wear when they’ll spend all summer in a bathing suit and the same ratty basketball shorts. Hang in there, buddy.
9. 15 minutes late is the new “on time”.
By May, we’re just impressed with ourselves for bringing them at all. Brushed teeth and fully-clothed are both bonuses along with being kinda on time.
10. Like the deserts miss the rain.
Oh, school. How we love thee. We will do all the stupid homework in the world, JUST TAKE THEM BACK PLEASE!
11. Your efforts diminish slightly.
Whatever, croutons can be very filling. Toss in some old soy sauce packets to drizzle over them, and you have a completely balanced meal.
12. Seriously, we will pay anything.
Name your price, summer camps. We will pay a king’s ransom. That golden silence from 9 am to 12 pm could be all we need to stay sane this summer.
13. Just do it for them.
Phoning it in like whoa. Just get ‘er done. By any means necessary.
14. Girl, bye.
September parenting versus May parenting in a nutshell.
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